This guest post – How to Be Fully Present for Your Family This Christmas – is written by Toni Nieuwhof. Toni and Carey Nieuwhof met in law school and have been married for three decades. Toni, a former divorce attorney, is the author of Before You Split: Find What You Really Want for the Future of Your Marriage.
Mention Christmas, and regardless of what pops to mind, you know this one thing: It’s intense.
Whatever you’re feeling as you head into the holidays tends to intensify. If you’ve leaned in to the spirit of Advent, your peace or your joy amplifies. If you’ve recently lost a loved one, the Christmas season tends to bring more pain.
All of this is even more true for pastors and leaders in the church.
Suppose you’ve been in church leadership for even a few years. In that case, you know what it’s like to pour your heart into creating a meaningful Advent celebration, only to personally crash into the holidays. You’ve had to deal with the post-adrenaline slump.
But this year, in particular, has been taxing. You’ve made a change or two to accommodate, but you’re still noticing symptoms of your stress. What now?
Your present to your loved ones is your presence, but you need to have something in you to give. You don’t want to drift from interaction to interaction this year over the holidays.
So, what actions can you take now to get what you wish for this year?To be fully present is the greatest present you can give your family this Christmas. - Toni Nieuwhof Click To Tweet
Sharpen Up Your Conflict Skills
If you’ve been married even a minute, you know you’re more irritable when you’re exhausted. Once irritability opens the gate, it’s like you both get on the carousel and go ‘round and ‘round till you feel like you’re ‘done.’
One Christmas a number of years ago, Carey and I were excited about setting up our tree. A real one.
We discovered how strongly we each felt about a fir versus a spruce tree at the farm.
Then we went on to argue even more:
- Seven feet versus eight.
- No, it’s not cool to trim the tree in the kitchen even though it’s -20 outside. So go outside please.
- And no, the ornaments don’t look right when you hang them that way.
It was more sparring than party.
Before you know it, all the activities, prep, and decisions set you up for conflict.
- Who let our tree dry into a stick tree a week before Christmas?
- Why did you say ‘yes’ to that party?
- Can the kids watch this Christmas movie?
- Who’s coming for Christmas dinner, and more on point, who’s cleaning up the house before they get here?
Decisions and differences may abound, especially when you’re pressured.
We can all use a little help bringing our best selves to marriage conflict when our reserves are depleted.
Carey and I have learned a lot over the years. That’s why I created this cheat sheet with prompts for a better ending to your next disagreement.
Maybe there’s someone you know who could use this, too.
Download the Ten Ways to Stop Your Next Fight cheat sheet here.
Fix Your Calendar. It’s Too Tight
A wise business mentor (to whom I’m not married) once told me to cap the scheduled portion of my workday, including meetings and personal appointments, at 75%. Why? Because you won’t be able to foresee everything that deserves your attention.
On a regular basis, my husband Carey caps the scheduled portion of his week at well below 50%.
Feel free to schedule that 25% or 50% into your calendar and give it a name. Maybe “leadership development” or “Advent” or “sanity.”
One day you might turn that into a sustainable practice, but start by using it as a tool for this season.
What would it take between today and Christmas to create your 25%? Especially if your calendar looks too tight, take a hard second look and delegate, cancel, or defer less-mission-critical events until you’ve reached that margin.
Once you do it, your next breath in will feel different, like a spacious place. You’ll approach your work and your holidays with more clarity, peace, and focus as a result.
Allow me to speak these words on behalf of your family: Stop right here and do it now.
Another wise mentor I know (to whom I am married) counsels what I’ve found to be the single best way to ensure that the work only I can do gets shipped. That is, I tackle my vital work when I’m at my optimal energy levels during my Green Zone. It means any creative work on my schedule must be done before lunch.
Not sure what your Green Zone is?
If you haven’t read Carey’s book, At Your Best, give yourself (and the loved ones in your life) a gift that I promise keeps on giving when you implement his advice. While he’s had enthusiastic reviews from the outset of the book’s release, we recently heard from one seasoned leader who said At Your Best helped him regain sanity in his professional and family life while also completing his Ph. D.
Do yourself a favor and get your copy here.
Get Answers To Your Toughest Pastoral Succession Questions
5 years from now, what would it feel like to look back and know…
- That you asked the right questions before and it prepared you for what came after?
- That you made tough but necessary decisions to prepare for a brighter future?
- That you were confident each step of the way?
You can hit the ground running in your ministry and skip the years of trial-and-error (and failures) that so many pastors face during a transition.
Give Yourself the Self Care You’ve Been Ignoring
Remember that blank space you now have in your calendar? That space allows you to show love to someone who needs it: You.
What is the one life-giving change for your heart, body, mind, and soul that you now don’t have an excuse to put off? Taking an afternoon nap? Getting in an unhurried workout? Taking a walk for the sole purpose of dreaming and beholding? Spending a whole afternoon with a friend? Having a few hours with that book instead of one? Making an effort to eat nourishing food instead of whatever’s there?
You know self-care isn’t selfish, but it keeps getting bumped off your schedule in the moment.
Don’t put it off any longer. Starting better self-care now will influence how you show up this Christmas. You’ll be building the reserves you need to bring enthusiasm into the room.
This Christmas, have the energy to be fully present and celebrate the people around you. To see the very image of your savior in them. To enter each room with the outward-looking focus of “Hey, there you are!” instead of “Here I am (help!)”.
I hope you feel more life in your veins already.
Create a spacious oasis before Christmas. Find better endings to heated words. Find a way to fix your calendar. Renew your energy to see others and celebrate them.
May your heart be full this Christmas season.