New York Times bestselling author, Lysa TerKeurst, returns to the podcast to explore forgiveness, an issue so many leaders struggle with.

Every time someone leaves, criticizes you, betrays you or otherwise harms you, how do you forgive? Should you forgive? And, how do you set boundaries that keep you and others healthy?

Welcome to Episode 379 of the podcastListen and access the show notes below or search for the Carey Nieuwhof Leadership Podcast on Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts and listen for free.

Plus, in this episode’s What I’m Thinking About segment, Carey talks about how forgiveness works in leadership.

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Pro Media Fire

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Red Letter Challenge

Christmas is right around the corner and then 2021 is here! It’s a lot of work to plan Christmas especially in light of all things 2020, but what if you could go all-in on Christmas planning because in the New Year you had a done for you, turnkey, powerful, church-wide series that will increase engagement, grow your small groups, and see the lives of the people in your church become greater Jesus followers?

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Learn more by going to and find discounts of 10-40% off. And just for our podcast listeners, if you are a pastor and you are still on the fence, no worries at all. You can request a free copy and it’ll be mailed to you.


Forgiving What You Can’t Forget by Lysa TerKeurst

Forgiving What You Can’t Forget

Proverbs 31 Ministries

Forgive and Forget by Lewis B. Smedes

CNLP 238: Lysa TerKeurst on Living and Leading Through Personal Crisis, Disappointment, and Navigating What Part of Your Life Should Be Personal, Private or Secret

CNLP 327: Lysa TerKeurst on How to 10x Your Audience, Craft Messages that Actually Connect with People, and Discover Which Voice You Have as a Communicator

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Why You Should be the First to Apologize, and 5 Keys to Doing it Well by Carey Nieuwhof

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1. When you find yourself getting hysterical, it’s historical

Have you ever woken up and had a great morning but then, a random bit of irritation or criticism hits you, and it completely destroys your good mood? Maybe you thought you preached a great sermon but had a few extra painful complaints from the audience after, or a few staff members gave you more negative feedback than you expected.

Why are little things like that able to completely hijack your mood so quickly? Lysa has learned that when she gets hysterical, it’s a historical issue. So, when something gets her unusually angry, it’s usually not the thing happening to her in that moment, but something in her past that’s resurfacing.

The same thing happens to you, and if you want to overcome it, you need to work through those historical wounds.

2. Why “forgive and forget” is bad advice

In preparation for writing her new book, Lysa interviewed people in focus groups about what they believed about biblical forgiveness. One of the most common things she heard was that the bible teaches us to “forgive and forget,” and that we, as Christians, should be able to do that without issue. Through 1,000+ hours of biblical study for this project, Lysa was able to find that “forgiving and forgetting” isn’t actually biblical.

She found that biblical forgiveness is us remembering what happened to us, amd rather than using it as a crutch or a weapon, we should use it as a testimony. When this happens, we aren’t focused on what happened but much more focused on the wisdom and life lessons that come from that pain.

3. Forgiveness isn’t about your emotions…it’s about cooperating with God

Early on in her journey, Lysa had a wrong view of forgiveness. She thought forgiveness was her bossing her feelings around or trying to conjure up enough spiritual maturity to grit her teeth and say, “I forgive you.”

But, she quickly realized that her ability to forgive was, and is, not based on her determination. She realized that her ability to forgive is based on her cooperation with what God has already done through the blood of Jesus.

The same is true for you. Your emotions are probably not able to forgive everyone who’s wronged you. But, when you cooperate with the forgiveness that Jesus has already given you, and is extending to that person that wronged you, you can begin to forgive them yourself.

Quotes from Episode 379

Read or Download the Transcript for Episode 379

Looking for a key quote? More of a reader?

Read or download a free PDF transcript of this episode here.

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Select episodes of this podcast are now on YouTube. Our YouTube Channel gives you a chance to watch some episodes, not just listen.


As hard as it is to admit, it’s just really hard to know how to lead in times like these.

Especially with so much future uncertainty.

While no one has all the answers, there is help and a strategy that can guide you, and I’d love to come alongside you.

To that end, join over 8000 leaders who have already jumped into my on-demand course, called How To Lead Through Crisisthat can help you lead your team, your church and yourself through the massive disruption.

The course is the gift from me and my team to you and leaders everywhere. In light of everything that’s going on, we decided to make it available 100% free.

Inside How To Lead Through Crisis, you’ll learn how to:

  • Cultivate a non-anxious presence that inspires confidence and trust.
  • Care for yourself so the crisis doesn’t break you.
  • Master the art of fast-paced, clear decision making.
  • Gather and interpret the most reliable data that will advance your mission
  • Advance digitally to scale past physical barriers and grow your outreach.
  • Lead your team and congregation remotely

While no one has all the answers in a crisis this big, in the course, I share the mindsets, habits, tools and strategies that I believe will help you lead through crisis to get you and the people you lead to a new (and better) future.

You can enroll and get instant access for you and your team here.


Subscribe for free and never miss out on wisdom from world-class leaders like Brian Houston, Andy Stanley, Craig Groeschel, Nancy Duarte, Henry Cloud, Patrick Lencioni, Francis Chan, Ann Voskamp, Erwin McManus and many others.

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Spread the Word. Leave a Rating and Review

Hopefully, this episode has helped you lead like never before. That’s my goal. If you appreciated it, could you share the love?

The best way to do that is to rate the podcast on Apple Podcasts and leave us a brief review! You can do the same on Stitcher and on TuneIn as well.

Your ratings and reviews help us place the podcast in front of new leaders and listeners. Your feedback also lets me know how I can better serve you.

Thank you for being so awesome.

Next Episode: Beth Moore

Beth Moore explains how she stays engaged on social media despite the controversies and challenges she gets, how she handles her critics, and shares some of the back story of her life and leadership and how she’s staying resilient over the long run.

Subscribe for free now so you won’t miss Episode 380.

CNLP 379: Lysa TerKeurst on How to Forgive What You Can’t Forget, Overcoming Bitterness and Setting Boundaries that Make Sense for Leaders


  1. academicWritingNow on February 25, 2021 at 10:33 am

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  2. Masteria Peperia on January 28, 2021 at 7:03 am

    There is a time when a student feels fully prepared for essssaay writing. However, when they take the pen, they cannot come up with even a single sentence.

  3. Deryl on January 26, 2021 at 10:04 am

    Thx my friend!

  4. Antone Smith on January 20, 2021 at 7:32 pm

    Cool podcast , i like it. Thanks!

  5. Meyers13364 on November 29, 2020 at 9:56 pm

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  6. Claudia Francis on November 17, 2020 at 4:08 pm

    Thanks. Really appreciate your blog and everything you do.

  7. Brian on November 17, 2020 at 9:53 am

    I think the fact that there are so many quotes on this page from the episode just about says it all!!!! #LotsToThinkAbout

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