John Townsend is one of today’s top business consultants, leadership coaches, psychologists and best selling author of 35 books. John talks why high performing leaders experience more negative self-talk than others, why it eventually becomes counter-productive, and how to rewire your brain to silence your inner critic.
Plus, John shares why most leaders have the wrong kind of relationships in their lives, and how to find the best ones. And as a bonus, John explains how to clearly say no and establish boundaries in a way that doesn’t hurt people.
Welcome to Episode 286 of the podcast. Listen and access the show notes below or search for the Carey Nieuwhof Leadership Podcast on Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts and listen for free.
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CNLP 160: Dr. Henry Cloud On What All High Performing Leaders Have In Common, Investing In Yourself And Overcoming Dysfunction In Your Church
Necessary Endings by Dr. Henry Cloud
Didn’t See It Coming by Carey Nieuwhof
3 Insights from Dr. Townsend
1. As a leader, saying “no” is one of the hardest but best things you can do for yourself
If you lead anything with even a small amount of success, you probably have things that you should be saying no to on a regular basis. Whether it’s other entrepreneurs, people in your church, or salesmen with pyramid schemes, there are people you shouldn’t make time for. So how do you say no without being too mean? Dr. Townsend recommends using the encouragement sandwich method. With this method, you lead with a nice statement or compliment, give them the no, and finish with a compliment or nice statement.
Remember, you don’t have to justify your no to whoever you are saying no to. Five words that changed Dr. Townsend’s life are: “That doesn’t work for me.” When you say this, 99% of the people will go, “Okay, it doesn’t work for you, when can we do it?” This is when you tell them that you don’t see a window “for the foreseeable future.” This goes over much much better than just telling them “never.”
2. Relational nutrients
Much like how our bodies need bio-nutrients to survive, we need relational nutrients to survive the mental game of life. There are four quadrants of relational nutrients that we’re supposed to give to and receive from others. If we don’t get these relational nutrients we end up relationally “starved” where we begin to make poor decisions and lose our effectiveness as a leader.
The 4 quadrants of relational nutrients are:
- Be present – This means shut up and listen.
- Convey the good – Oftentimes, all we need is someone to encourage us when we are down.
- Provide reality – Sometimes we need a wise person that will give us the facts.
- Call to action – We need people that will make us follow through and actually do the things that are good for us to do.
3. How do you find people you can open up to?
So many times, we don’t need advice, we just need to know somebody gets it, and they understand our struggle. Usually, if we get this, we can solve our own problems. We can only get this if we have people around us that we regularly open up to. Here are 4 steps to finding those people:
Step 1: Look through all your contacts and pick out all of the individuals that you would consider opening up to. (There should be about 20-30 of them.)
Step 2: Schedule meetings with them.
Step 3: On meeting one, get a bit vulnerable and watch their reaction. If they lean in and listen, they will make a great person to regularly open up to.
Step 4: Explain why you want to meet with them regularly and set up a recurring meeting.
Quotes from Episode 286We can actually change the neuronic structure of our brains by having healthy, relational conversations. @drjohntownsend Click To Tweet You can change your brain by having the right conversations with the right people. @drjohntownsend Click To Tweet There are bad people out there. As leaders, we have to do our best to avoid them. @drjohntownsend Click To Tweet You need a life-team of 3 to 10 people that know everything about you and are on your team no matter what. @drjohntownsend Click To Tweet
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Next Episode: JD Grear
For the first time ever, Outreach Magazine has produced a list of the Top 100 Reproducing Churches. Why? The future isn’t just in growth, it’s in multiplication if the church is going to thrive. J.D. Grear, Lead Pastor of the Summit—a multiplying church— and President of the Southern Baptist Convention, and Todd Wilson, President and CEO of Exponential, talk about the five levels of churches, and why reproducing churches are the future. Fortunately, they also explain how even a plateaued or declining church can think about reproducing in a healthy way.
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