How to Be An Appropriately Transparent Leader (Without Oversharing)

Being an authentic leader is hardly negotiable anymore.

People want to see the real you, with your weaknesses, mistakes, and vulnerabilities.

You know that, because you’re watching the last fumes of the ‘never let ’em see you sweat’ leader vaporize into the stratosphere.

But you’ve also seen the pendulum swing the other way. You don’t want to be the ‘oversharing’ transparent person on your Facebook newsfeed whose every emotion, relational struggle and moment of self-doubt is posted for the planet to gawk at.

How do you become appropriately transparent? How do you find that fine line between being too revealing and being too reserved?

People want to see the real you, with your weaknesses, mistakes, and vulnerabilities. Click To Tweet

Why You Need To Show Your Weakness

Before we get into how to be an appropriately transparent leader, let’s ask a key question: why do people need to see the real you?

Here’s why:

People admire your strengths, but they identify with your weaknesses.

Think about it. You do this.

You hear your favourite speaker and take notes that chronicle every insight.

But when he starts to share about the time his startup failed, or how he almost blew his big presentation, or how he frustrates his team if he doesn’t check his attitude, suddenly you identify with your hero on an emotional level.

You don’t just admire him anymore, you identify with him. He becomes human. And you suddenly feel like there’s hope for you.

By the way, preachers, if you don’t talk about your weaknesses in your messages, you are missing a huge opportunity for your congregation not just to connect with you, but to find hope in their own lives.

People admire your strengths, but they identify with your weaknesses. Click To Tweet

Finding Appropriate Transparency Makes All the Difference in the World

I’ve been on both sides of the pendulum.

Early in my leadership, I was afraid to let anyone see my weaknesses. I was afraid to say “I don’t know”. I was hesitant to share my struggles. I thought I had to have it all together.

I got away from that after a few years and became more open, but then I went through burnout and in one sobering moment discovered the other end of the spectrum.

About a year after I came back from burnout (here’s a post on the 12 keys I discovered to coming back from burnout), I was speaking to a group of church leaders in Philadelphia. I talked quite openly about my struggle with burnout.

After, the lead pastor of the church came up to me and said “Wow…that was tough. Are you sure you don’t need more counseling?”

The Three Mistakes I Made In Oversharing

I’m sure in that moment, I had overshared.

Looking back on it, I realized I made three mistakes in that talk.

1. I hadn’t finished processing what I was going through.

2. My talk about that subject was more about me than it was about the audience.

3. I didn’t have any clear strategies to help any listeners who might have been going through the same thing.

I wish I had a better metaphor for that kind of talk, but here’s how I think of it (because I’ve sat through too many and given one or two myself): it’s like the speaker just threw up a little (or a lot) on the audience.

And nobody leaves feeling better for it. Except maybe the speaker or writer.

But It Doesn’t Have to Be That Way

I’ve since given talks about my burnout and recovery to thousands of leaders in different venues and even different continents, and people have thanked me for it again and again.

Some of the most heartfelt and meaningful thank you notes I’ve received have been from people who have heard me talk about my recovery from burnout.

What’s the difference?

I shared, but I stopped oversharing. 

In fact, over the last few years I’ve tried to develop some working guidelines for appropriate transparency.

3 Keys to Appropriate Transparency

I’m by no means an expert, but here’s what I try to do in my life, writing and speaking. These guidelines have helped me find the line I think I need to find, and I hope they can help you.

1. Process your current issues privately

All of us have current struggles. Whether it’s headline news or not (most of our struggles aren’t), it’s so key to have a close circle of people to process them with.

For me, I share these things with my spouse, a few close friends, team, elders, mentors and as needed counselors to work through my current issues. And naturally I’m consulting scripture and praying through them as well. That’s appropriate.

You usually don’t need to talk about these issues publicly; but you do need to talk about them. That someone (appropriate) knows about them and is helping you is key.

Just because somebody needs to know about them doesn’t mean everybody needs to know about them. Discretion and transparency and are not a contradiction at all. Telling the right people is often the difference between success and failure in ministry and leadership.

Anecdotally, I suspect the people who have never cultivated an inner circle with whom to process life are the people who tell everybody their problems. I wish they had an inner circle. Here are 3 keys to developing one.

Telling the right people is often the difference between success and failure in ministry and leadership. Click To Tweet

2. Share publicly what you’ve processed privately

Once an issue is dealt with or mostly dealt with, it’s far more appropriate to share publicly. You never want to give off the “I used to struggle with this but now I have no issues” vibe, but if you haven’t figured out how to deal with a problem, how can you help others deal with it?

I make it a rule to share publicly what I’ve processed privately.

Interestingly enough, I’m never short of material. Bet you won’t be either.

3. Share what will help the listener, not you.

If you can’t be helpful, you’re probably not ready to talk about it.

I find often that the speakers or writers who overshare are people who are processing something for their benefit, not for the benefit of their audience.

The only time that’s ever-helpful is when you’re part of that person’s inner circle. Otherwise, it leaves you feeling like a stranger just shared far too much and you leave confused.

If you can’t help your audience with a subject, come to a full stop. There are probably issues you need to deal with. There are probably conversations you still need to have.

One day, God might use it to help many. But that day probably isn’t today.

Share what will help the listener, not you. Click To Tweet

A Full Course On How I Recovered From Burnout

When you are tired and burning out, you are way more likely to say or do something that you regret. Becoming more productive can help you avoid that.

13 years ago, I hit a wall. I burned out.

I was seen as an effective leader, but my methods were killing me on the insight.

I moved through burnout and on the other side, got coaching and counseling that helped me create a new normal. A new normal that radically boosted my productivity and helped me beat overwhelm and get my life and leadership back.

I’ve put all my learnings so far into my High Impact Leader course. The High Impact Leader is an online, on-demand course designed to help you get time, energy and priorities working in your favor. So far, over 3000 leaders have beat overwhelm using the course and either stayed clear of burnout or come back from it.

Many leaders who have taken it are recovering 3 productive hours a day.  That’s about 1000 hours of found time each year. That’s a lot of time for what matters most.

Here are what some alumni are saying about The High Impact Leader Course”

“Thank you, thank you, thank you for providing the course again. It has absolutely made an impact in my life and family already that I can’t even describe.” – Joel Rowland, First Priority, Clayton County, North Carolina

“Carey’s course was the perfect way for our team to prepare for the new year. Our team, both collectively and individually, took a fresh look at maximizing our time and leadership gifts for the year ahead. I highly recommend this leadership development resource for you and your team.” Jeff Henderson, Gwinnett Church, Atlanta Georgia

“A lot of books and programs make big promises and cannot deliver but this is not one of them. I have read so many books and watched videos on productivity but the way you approach it and teach is helpful and has changed my work week in ministry in amazing ways.” Chris Sloan, Tanglewood Church, Kingston, North Carolina

“Just wow.  Thank you, thank you.” Dave Campbell, Invitation Church, Sioux Falls South Dakota

A game changer.” Pam Perkins, Red Rock Church, Colorado Springs, Colorado

Curious? Want to beat overwhelm and have the time to reinvent yourself?

Click here to learn more or get instant access.

What About You?

What have you seen work or not work when it comes to transparency?

What guidelines have you developed? Leave a comment!

36 Comments

  1. Wendell ignacio on September 1, 2019 at 3:53 am

    In my comment believing in the father son and Holy ghost is three absolute different obedience I’ve come to terms thru my prophesies visions and those that I’ve forgiven I’ve come to believe should never be forgiven 1st that issue has nothing to do with life / in spirituall war it’s the words by scripture thru astrology it’s one sided brain washing ghosting gaslighting conspiracy I’m more than willing to fight to death I’ve lived longer than my family so fuck um all I’ve come to know judicial corruption BEYOUND insanity so FUCKUM ALL somebody give me a gun let’s shoot it out there are certain individuals that just can’t being wrong even step by step proofing it so why allow them to continue THIER evil seedsowing in the earth for harvest I KNOW EVERYTHING FUCKING WORKS OUT FOR GODS WILL who the fuck out that in the bible / yup written by dinner translated by a scholar that spoke 30 ?% some odd languages EDWARD Bordeaux invited by the Vatican to translate the scrolls don’t forget control assanine hypocrites / yet what ever happened to loving god? From these cunt ass mother fuckers that want every ones path in life to be the wide destructive 1 yet cutting the narrow path of salvation from all well GO FUCK YOUR ASS LITERALLY ILL WHIP OUT MY COCK & FUCK YOUR EAR ITS TIGHTER ONLY NEEDS MORE OIL! AWHILE BACK A JUDGE DANIEL HEALLY KAILUA HONOLULU KIDDNAPPED ME INJECTED NARCOTICS INTO MYSELF ASKED PERSONAL QUESTIONS ABOUT MURDER FRIENDS OF MINE & MY ALL BEFORE COMING TO CHRIST 10YRS AFTER BAPTISED EXCEPTION OF CHRIST STATING I DIDNT FORGIVE JUDGE DANIEL HEALLY FOR DOING THIS EVEN THOUGH I TEMPORARILY DIED IM MANDATORILY TO FORGIVE THIS FUCKING CUNT JUDGE FOR SHOOTING ME UP WITH NARCOTICS IM DIFFENANTLY ABSOLUTLY SURE GOT WITNESSES NO FUCKING WAY THIS JUDGE HELPED MY X WIFE EMBEZZEL $75,000.00 FROM FAMILY ASSETS DURING DIVORCE AUDIT FIANANCIAL FINDINGS BROKE EVERY ADMINISTRATIVE GOVT JUDICIAL PUBLIC COURT OFFICERS RULES LAWS ETHICS & CONDUCT & THESE FUCK ASS BASTARDS MANDATORILY STATE I WENDELL IGNACIO MUST FORGIVE THAT CORRUPTED JUDGE & HIS FAMILY FUCK THEM AND FUCK THIER GOD

  2. Lee Nanfelt on August 18, 2019 at 4:21 pm

    This reminds me of a tip I got on preaching in homiletics – To share past struggles, which you have worked out, not necessarily current ones. This was from several decades ago, before transparency grew in cultural value. I have found it to be a good rule of thumb, with lots of room for transparency.

    • Wendell ignacio on September 1, 2019 at 4:01 am

      That’s understating absolute corruption by judicial family’s in our neighborhoods I’ve spent down payment easily $150,000.00 to purchase this 4bdrm 2.5 bath 2 car garage tile wall gated entrance that I’ve built judge HEALLYS enterfearance was forbidden to allow his x son-inlaw RESIDANCE in his home per WELLFARE SNAP STATE program administrative investigation Peter kekahuna had no legislative law previllage to have RESIDANCE next door to myself 640 AUWAI STREET Kailua Honolulu hi. 96734 look it up state of hawaii courts

      • Wendell ignacio on September 1, 2019 at 4:03 am

        In which I’ve lost on income & property $2.5 million over 19yrs + medical 5 heart attacks these persons must be brought to justice

        • Wendell ignacio on September 1, 2019 at 4:06 am

          Dont forget I’m not educated I’m x alky druggy murdering man thru prophesy of God’s word thousands & thousands died

          • Wendell ignacio on September 1, 2019 at 4:14 am

            0h yes I know the dragon I’ve met the gate keeper’s I know the eye of fire I’ve seen either Elijah or MICHEAL the ark angel I’ve met spirits I knew nothing of that said they have no issues with myself in Arizona prayed with the sons of thunder ASKD THE father to bring fire from heaven to prove his power yup that too much more yet others mock fuck um all



  3. Rev. Bill Mugford on August 18, 2019 at 7:48 am

    Carey:

    Your almost-daily blogs are incredibly helpful, especially for an “experienced” guy like me. That’s because, none of us should ever stop learning, and practicing, and learning, and…

    We adapted your title, and I took my church leaders through “The 200 Church,” embarking on a plan to build the congregation to 200+ people (in order to missionally plant churches) AND celebrate our 200th anniversary as a congregation (in 62 years)! Those shorter and longer range goals are inspiring, transforming and motivating us to concurrently build new DNA and ministry.

    Thanks for the help from me and those churches for whom I am responsible!

    Rev. Bill Mugford
    Dean of San Diego
    Anglican Church in North America

    • Carey Nieuwhof on August 19, 2019 at 10:12 am

      This is so encouraging to read.

      I am Cheering you on Bill!

      Carey

  4. Mel on June 13, 2019 at 5:21 pm

    Recently I “shared” a flaw about myself with someone I’ve known for years. It didn’t go well. I wont be sharing again with them. Lesson learned. Good article. Wish I had read 1st lol.

  5. Gerald Klimczak on October 4, 2018 at 2:32 pm

    And what was your 4th point, you only list 3.

  6. 7 Lies Most Pastors Tell on March 9, 2018 at 5:23 pm

    […] Here’s how to be an appropriately transparent leader without oversharing. […]

  7. Latest Post | Until Hope Returns on June 23, 2017 at 9:18 am

    […] Here’s how to be an appropriately transparent leader without oversharing. […]

  8. Mar Komus on February 19, 2017 at 10:55 am

    In the sub-points you have “4 Keys…” and I see only 3 listed. Are you just choosing to not overshare? 😀

  9. Jen on June 11, 2016 at 8:50 pm

    As both a somewhat recent and rather young widow, people are watching me. I do have parameters by which I choose to share parts on our story on Facebook. Like you, I want to be real without over sharing. What I share must have purpose and must speak life or I will not share. God is good when life is not.

    As I formulate these types of posts I put a lot of thought and prayer into it. I sleep on it if necessary. It must point to Jesus and show God’s faithfulness or it doesn’t get posted.

  10. standingupforJC on November 23, 2015 at 11:11 pm

    The subheading says “4 Keys To Appropriate Transparency” but there were only 3. 🙂

    • Mar Komus on February 19, 2017 at 10:55 am

      I think he’s choosing to not overshare. Maybe still processing that fourth? 😉

  11. John Crowe on August 22, 2015 at 6:37 am

    If it has to do with mental illness, your own or a family member’s, then be very careful who you share that with even if you are dealing with it very well. There is still a lot of stigma in society and in churches that the church has helped create.

    Don’t add to your pain by sharing where it is not safe and they exist. Other places will let you be more safely authentic that others. It tough enough when it’s mental illness issues one is dealing with, but some churches like some individual Christians just really freak out when it comes to that being true in a pastor’s family or in the pastor themselves.

    People would get over a lot of stigma very quickly in churches if we would read enough about people of great faith like Martin Luther deeply enough to know he struggled with depression, that his faith never cured, but helped him deal with, talked about it in a pastoral way in his sermons, and made some caring observations about other Christians who struggled with depression and other such things.

    • Jina Appa on November 26, 2015 at 7:04 am

      Outstanding points, John Crowe!

  12. Xrucianus on July 29, 2015 at 6:20 am

    “I” really need this pragmatic advice. Not to pass it on to others… :o) Mercy, I needed it for myself! Thank you Carey.

  13. Bethany Macklin on July 31, 2014 at 11:44 am

    Really appreciated this. A few checkpoint questions I would add (and do in my.own scenarios) is how will what I want to share highlight God’s great character and heart? How will it glorify Him? At the end of my story, who is the attention of my audience drawn to? Me or God?

  14. […] part of earning trust. But there is such a thing as too much transparency. Carey Nieuwhof explains the balance between not enough and too much […]

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  16. Das Kompliment | WagaNord on January 20, 2014 at 4:22 am

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  17. alisha on January 15, 2014 at 3:18 pm

    So true, we live in a culture that begs for our opinion on everything and teaches us to express it no matter the consequence to ourselves and others (facebook is a great example). I think it’s great to share what you’ve learned with others once you’ve processed things, but on the other hand I really don’t like it when I am talking with someone and they feel they have to share their “I’ve overcome” stories with me for every struggle I’m going through. Sometimes you just want someone to listen.

  18. micahfoster on January 14, 2014 at 2:55 pm

    This is also a huge topic for volunteers working with kids and students. I once had an adult volunteer unload her life on a group of high school girls. DANGER! DANGER!

    When in leadership, you should have a trusted core you can be completely transparent about the current things in your life. But you should not share everything publicly about your current struggles.

    • Carey Nieuwhof on January 15, 2014 at 11:22 am

      Such a great point Micah. In a hyperconnected world we are more lonely than ever, and that leads to situations like the one you describe. Gotta stop that stuff!

  19. Lawrence W. Wilson on January 14, 2014 at 9:45 am

    My wife has been a great help in this. She both pushes me to be more transparent (not my natural tendency) and checks me from over-sharing (because it’s so hard to tell sometimes). Having an external filter, so to speak, really helps.

    • Carey Nieuwhof on January 15, 2014 at 11:22 am

      Absolutely. Great point Lawrence. My wife knows that line too and helps me find it. Thank you!

  20. Matt Norman on January 14, 2014 at 8:43 am

    Thanks for sharing this. I am currently wrestling with how to use some of the things I have struggled with to help others that might struggle. This post has been very helpful in this.

  21. Michael on January 14, 2014 at 8:25 am

    Always enjoy reading your insights. Good, practical and applicable. Thanks for this word of wisdom.

  22. Leah on January 13, 2014 at 9:21 pm

    This has helped me tremendously. Thank you so much

  23. Charles Hodsdon on January 13, 2014 at 12:04 pm

    Thank you for this post, I’ve been in recovery from a burn out for the last 4 months, and been debating how much to share, the concept of only sharing publicly what I’ve processed privately is great, as is keeping the focus on what will help those who are hearing. Thank you

    • Carey Nieuwhof on January 13, 2014 at 12:32 pm

      Hope your recovery goes well Charles. And I’m so glad this helped!

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