I’ve said it. You might have said it too.
Leadership is lonely.
Since graduating from university, I’ve been a senior leader. It sounds more glamourous than it is.
When I started, all three churches I served had a total attendance of fewer than 50 people; I was the senior leader because I was the only paid leader. But as our ministry has grown, I’m leading more people than I’ve ever led. And with over a dozen staff and 1500 people who call our church home, I find myself thinking that leadership is lonely.
Ever said these things as a leader?
- Nobody understands what this leadership load is like.
- People don’t really care how I feel.
- It’s lonely at the top.
- Leadership is just lonely.
I have. And I began to accept loneliness as part of the job.
Sure, I know I things happened along the way:
Early on in ministry, I got ‘peopled out‘ – I got worn down by the constant demands on my time.
My time in leadership has actually seen me move from a moderate extrovert to a moderate introvert in my personality type.
I’ve had to struggle hard to keep my heart fresh and to keep cynicism from overtaking me (see these posts for five early warning signs of a hard heart and ways to avoid becoming cynical).
I’ve also begun to realize that being lonely is a terrible way to live.
Sure, we come by it honestly.
Doing things alone is part of our culture. Ever think through High Occupancy Vehicle lanes?
Two people in a car pass as ‘high occupancy’ in our culture. Over 9 out of 10 people drive alone!!
People might live that way.
But you don’t have to lead that way.
So I developed a new way of thinking about the loneliness that creeps into the life of most leaders:
Loneliness is a choice.
Solitude is good. It’s healthy and healing.
But isolation is a tool used by the enemy. When I isolate myself, I lose touch with reality, cut myself off from relationships that give life, and expose myself to risks that would never happen if I’m in authentic community.
As much as I decide to be lonely, I will be. But I don’t need to be.
Here are 5 ways you can fight loneliness as a leader:
1. Admit that loneliness is a decision you’re making.
If I decide to be lonely, I have no one to blame but myself. Solitude is good. Isolation is of the enemy. If I’m lonely, it’s my fault. Period.
2. Cultivate relationships with leaders outside your organization you trust.
I hit a rough spot last week. I had long and helpful discussions with two really close friends who helped me a lot. One lives 800 miles away. We texted my way through my funk. The other is a good business leader friend who lives nearby. They love me and accept me for who I am. They are also leading similar sized or larger organizations and understand the unique pressures leaders face. They can also call any bluff I send their way. Many pastors I know don’t cultivate friends like this. I see God use mine again and again to renew my heart and my leadership. Cultivate them.
3. Have a strong relationship with a few close people inside your church or organization.
Using last week as an example, my friend Jeff (who reports to me) helped me work through a big chunk of the issue. Sure, it was “a role reversal”, but sometimes one of the gifts God gives you are the people around you. Being the leader doesn’t mean you always have it together, and others around you often help you see things you’re missing. I also shared how I was feeling with our elders and a couple of other people close to me.
4. Be in community.
I have three circles of relationships I pursue locally. My wife and I have always been in community groups in our church. I realize lots of pastors opt out of them, and I realize there are a few things you just probably can’t share with your group, but the benefits of being in an authentic community with people from your church outweigh the costs. We also pursue a few good friendships outside of the group in our community. And (third circle) I try to reach out to a few new leaders or colleagues every year to keep my circle fresh and alive.
5. Talk to God about it.
Elijah thought he was the only one left (1 Kings 19). God has a way of reminding us it’s not nearly as bad as we think. Keeping your loneliness a part of your prayer life will help remind you that you are responsible for your loneliness. Even Jesus traveled with a tribe of twelve or more and cultivated an inner circle of three. If Jesus valued relationships, why do you think you should be different?
Do you know what links all five ways to fight loneliness for me personally?
I have to work at them. They don’t come naturally. But they are so worth it.
