CNLP Episode 437: Jennifer Kolari on How to Deal with Irrational People, Customers and Team Members, and the Superpower of the CALM Technique

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Jennifer Kolari is a sought-after therapist, podcaster, author and consultant who specializes in how to deal with conflict in a way that not only de-escalates tension and deeply conflicted situations, but transforms them.

She explains the CALM technique she developed and how to make it a superpower working for you at work and at home.

Welcome to Episode 437 of the podcast. Listen and access the show notes below or search for the Carey Nieuwhof Leadership Podcast on Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts and listen for free.

Plus, in this episode’s Ask Me Anything About Productivity segment, Carey answers Kyla’s question about how to properly onboard new staff.

Have a question about productivity? Let Carey coach you. Leave your message here!

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Insights From Jennifer

1. You aren’t as rational of a being as you think you are

We tend to think that we humans are rational creatures. We aren’t. Everything in our life gets filtered through our brain’s security system before it hits the rational thinking part of our brain. This means that we have instinctive reactions before we have logical responses.

This causes many of our responses at work and at home to be based on instinct rather than reason. If you want to find ways to become a better boss, spouse and parent, you need to find ways to push against that instinct.

2. What we call “negative emotions” aren’t actually negative emotions

We, as a culture, have demonized negative emotions like anxiety and stress. But Jennifer teaches that anxiety, stress and many other stress responses aren’t actually a bad thing. Those negative emotions are information that your brain is receiving and responding to.

3. The C-A-L-M method will give you a superpower when dealing with conflict

The CALM method is a way of deep listening using language, compassion and empathy literally as medicine. It will soothe and calm AND bring both participants in the conversation into brain-heart coherence.

Here’s a brief outline of the framework:

For a full explanation of the method, and a couple of examples on how to use it, listen to the full interview.

Quotes from Episode 437

You cannot control conditions. You can only control your response to conditions. @Jenniferkolari Click To Tweet Behavior is never the problem. Behavior is a symptom of the problem. @Jenniferkolari Click To Tweet A sorry is only good if you are sorry. @Jenniferkolari Click To Tweet People don't remember what you say. They remember how you make them feel. @Jenniferkolari Click To Tweet Fear does not create change. It creates obedience, and that's not the same thing. @Jenniferkolari Click To Tweet Connection is the end of addiction. @Jenniferkolari Click To Tweet We learn by being uncomfortable, we learn by being challenged, and we learn by limits. @Jenniferkolari Click To Tweet Non-defensiveness is actually the key here, and it's really difficult thing to do, but it will give you such strength. It will give you a superpower. @Jenniferkolari Click To Tweet When you are in a position of being a victim, you are powerless. When you're in a position of being a student and a learner, now you have power. @Jenniferkolari Click To Tweet When you're in a position of power, when you're the leader, people aren't going to challenge you in a normal way. @Jenniferkolari Click To Tweet When you're a parent, you're a leader. @Jenniferkolari Click To Tweet We are social beings, and we are only good when we are connected to other social people and when we're in harmony with those relationships. @Jenniferkolari Click To Tweet There's a big difference between being kind and being nice. @Jenniferkolari Click To Tweet The heart informs the head. @Jenniferkolari Click To Tweet When the brain and the heart agree, and you're in alignment, you will feel strong. @Jenniferkolari Click To Tweet Any kind of upsets, trauma, important information gets stored in the body. @Jenniferkolari Click To Tweet Often the hardest thing about onboarding new staff is helping them understand the culture. Click To Tweet You have a culture, whether you realize it or not. Click To Tweet Culture answers how we do things. It's not what we do, it's how we do it. Click To Tweet Your culture is one of the biggest pieces of the puzzle that most organizations are missing. Click To Tweet Your cultural values should be accurate and aspirational. Click To Tweet

Read or Download the Transcript for Episode 437

Looking for a key quote? More of a reader?

Read or download a free PDF transcript of this episode here.

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Next Episode: Pete Scazzero

Pete Scazzero returns to the podcast to talk about the reasons so many pastors fail, how your platform can easily outgrow your character, and how to develop an interior life that will help you lead a healthy organization and life.

Subscribe for free now so you won’t miss Episode 438.

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Carey Nieuwhof
Carey Nieuwhof

Carey Nieuwhof is a best-selling leadership author, speaker, podcaster, former attorney, and church planter. He hosts one of today’s most influential leadership podcasts, and his online content is accessed by leaders over 1.5 million times a month. He speaks to leaders around the world about leadership, change, and personal growth.