5 Keys To A Great Apology, And Why Leaders Need To Apologize First

 

apologize

You probably have a love/hate relationship with apologies.

You appreciate it deeply when others apologize to you.

But you find it difficult to apologize to others.

And let me guess, when you do apologize, you’re tempted to explain, justify or defend your actions.

Which is not really an apology at all.

Please hear this. Two of the most powerful words a leader can utter are simply “I apologize”.

One of the reasons those two words are so powerful is because we hear them so rarely from leaders.

Think back over your life. When has a leader come to you, looked you straight in the eye, and offered an unconditional apology?

Rarely is my guess. Maybe never.

So let’s change that.

Here’s how.

Two of the most powerful words a leader can utter are: I apologize. Click To Tweet

5 Ways to Apologize Well in Leadership

At its heart, an apology is ownership. It says “I was responsible”. Whether you intended to hurt someone or mess up a situation is irrelevant.

Mature, responsible leaders know they are the problem, and they work hard to see and claim their share of anything that went wrong. They’re quick to accept blame, and even faster to assign credit to others when things go well.

These leaders know it’s not about them. It’s about the mission and the team.

So how do you apologize well in leadership?

Mature, responsible leaders know they are the problem, and they work hard to see and claim their share of anything that went wrong. Click To Tweet

Here are five guidelines that have helped me and that I’ve appreciated when I’ve seen them at work in other leaders:

1. Go first

Often when a situation gets messed up, people are wondering what to do with it. Sweep it under the rug? Let it go? Wait for someone else to take the lead.

If you’re a leader–even if you’re not the senior leader–take the initiative. Go first.

If you do, you’ll not only break the ice, you’ll give others permission to take their share of responsibility AND you’ll make the situation better.

So go first.

2. Say it in person, but if you can’t, don’t delay

Ideally, you will take the person or people involved aside, look them in the eye and own your part of the problem (which sometimes is 100% of the problem).

But if you’re not going to see them soon, don’t delay.

In the last week, I’ve sent two emails to apologize for the tone in which I communicated something because I knew I wasn’t going to see the person within 24 hours.

Whatever you do, own what you need to own quickly.

3. Be specific about what went wrong and what you did

When things go wrong, the temptation is to be vague.

“Well, I’m not really sure what happened but I’ll make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

“I don’t really know why it didn’t get done, but I’ll make sure it won’t happen again.”

I hear this all the time and it drives me crazy.

Really? How can you be sure it never happens again if you don’t even know what happened?

Being vague on the details is a sign that you don’t really care enough to figure out what happened.

Great leaders do solid post mortems on tough situations so they can figure out what happened, what they could have done to avoid it, and then figure out how to not let it happen again.

When you’re owning a situation and apologizing for your role in it, being as specific as you can makes your apology mean more and makes you much more effective as a leader moving forward.

You can't promise something won't happen again if you haven't bothered to figure out what happened. Click To Tweet

4. Don’t defend

Our word “apology” comes from the Greek word απολογια (apologia), which means “defense”.

That’s not a bad thing when you’re engaging in apologetics (defending or advancing a belief system), but it’s a terrible thing to do when you are actually apologizing.

Saying things like “If she had delivered the first version to me on time I would have had it done on time” doesn’t help.

A defense is often an abdication of responsibility.

Don’t defend yourself. Don’t blame others.

Just own it and apologize.

5. Don’t justify

This is closely related to not defending yourself, but it’s so natural and common to justify your failure that it deserves mentioning.

Sure, traffic might have been slow. But you should have left 10 minutes earlier.

Yes, the shipment was delayed, but your job was to get it there on time, wasn’t it?

Absolutely, you were tired. But just because you were tired doesn’t mean you can dump all over people.

Those may be explanations, but they are not justifications. They don’t make what you did or failed to do right.

Never use an explanation as a justification. Even if you talk about reasons, still own your failure 100% (“I was really tired, but I was also really wrong. I apologize.”)

Take responsibility.

An explanation is not a justification. Own your piece. Click To Tweet

I find that when I apologize using these guidelines, things go much better for the team and for me. Why? Because I grow, and I learn. And I become a better leader when I take full responsibility.

Work on your leadership. Not Just In It. 

When you are tired and burning out, you are way more likely to say or do something that you regret. Becoming more productive can help you avoid that.

13 years ago, I hit a wall. I burned out.

I was seen as an effective leader, but my methods were killing me on the insight.

I moved through burnout and on the other side, got coaching and counseling that helped me create a new normal. A new normal that radically boosted my productivity and helped me beat overwhelm and get my life and leadership back.

I’ve put all my learnings so far into my High Impact Leader course. The High Impact Leader is an online, on-demand course designed to help you get time, energy and priorities working in your favor. So far, over 3000 leaders have beat overwhelm using the course and either stayed clear of burnout or come back from it.

Many leaders who have taken it are recovering 3 productive hours a day.  That’s about 1000 hours of found time each year. That’s a lot of time for what matters most.

Here are what some alumni are saying about The High Impact Leader Course”

“Thank you, thank you, thank you for providing the course again. It has absolutely made an impact in my life and family already that I can’t even describe.” – Joel Rowland, First Priority, Clayton County, North Carolina

“Carey’s course was the perfect way for our team to prepare for the new year. Our team, both collectively and individually, took a fresh look at maximizing our time and leadership gifts for the year ahead. I highly recommend this leadership development resource for you and your team.” Jeff Henderson, Gwinnett Church, Atlanta Georgia

“A lot of books and programs make big promises and cannot deliver but this is not one of them. I have read so many books and watched videos on productivity but the way you approach it and teach is helpful and has changed my work week in ministry in amazing ways.” Chris Sloan, Tanglewood Church, Kingston, North Carolina

“Just wow.  Thank you, thank you.” Dave Campbell, Invitation Church, Sioux Falls South Dakota

A game changer.” Pam Perkins, Red Rock Church, Colorado Springs, Colorado

Curious? Want to beat overwhelm and have the time to reinvent yourself?

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What helps you apologize?

What bothers you about the way others apologize?

Leave a comment!

7 Comments

  1. Naomi Hill on August 19, 2019 at 10:04 am

    I wonder what you do when you both think the other person (not you) is in the wrong? Or you genuinely are in the right and they can’t see that they’re wrong (e.g. someone complains about a new family that in reality adds up to thinly veiled racism) and they are ‘waiting for an apology’ because you called them out on it… pondering this in the context of Matthew 18 and ‘as far as it depends on you live in peace with everyone’…

  2. Phillip on August 15, 2019 at 11:30 am

    I would add, “Deliberately ask to receive grace and forgiveness as a need of yours,” because 1) it further makes you vulnerable, humble and 2) it empowers the other person to give you something YOU need, which can only happen in a Jesus world when the wronged person is asked to give more to the offender.

    AND I would add “don’t expect…”, or perhaps “give permission for the other person NOT to believe you or your apology for now.” because it maintains a boundary between you and keeps their thoughts and feelings separate from yours. If they are really hurt or need to spend some time angry or grieving, you are giving them the option to not pretend like everything is alright. If they just give in, it could result in the same hurt feelings or resentment further down the road.

  3. Dan on August 15, 2019 at 6:03 am

    I have found that an apology is most transformational when we use the words, “I was wrong when…” Without those simple by so hard to utter words, very little ownership of the blunder is taken.
    Do you agree?

    • Phillip on August 15, 2019 at 11:32 am

      that is a great starting line… great ownership.

    • Carey Nieuwhof on August 16, 2019 at 12:18 pm

      That is a great way to phrase an apology!

  4. Mark on August 15, 2019 at 2:42 am

    Thanks for a great post, this will help with a situation that I am working through with another team. We are evaluating how to move forward after a conflict and we think an apology is part of the next steps.
    Sometimes as a leader we have to make decisions that are not popular. Don’t feel compelled to apologize because a decision was not popular. However in these situation a leader can acknowledge that people feel hurt by a situation or decision made. There may be valid reasons for the situation or decision but people feel hurt by how it was handled or communicated. Therefore the leader can apologize for the hurt that was caused and make a commitment to improve decision making or communication in the future.

  5. Margo on August 14, 2019 at 10:09 am

    Well, I can’t emphasize #3 enough. I’ve been in a Christian atmosphere that seems to believe that “giving an apology is easier than asking permission.” I believe this is an integrity issue. Please don’t just say, “I’m sorry” or “I’m sorry, I messed up.” Sometimes that just means, “I’m sorry I got caught.” Although you encourage us, Carey, to apologize quickly, I agree strongly that we need to take the time to figure out what we are apologizing for… And a second thing, apparently there is a difference to some people between saying, “I apologize” and “I’m sorry.” Not knowing this, I said “I apologize” in an email to a family member, only to have them tell another family member that “that wasn’t an apology – – they never said they were sorry.” I know that family dynamics can be different from “real life” (ha), but I thought it worth noting that for some, “I apologize” is not really apologizing. Blessings to you, Carey, as you continue to encourage us as “iron sharpening iron.” M 🐠

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