Chances are you’ve had it happen before – you completely navigate a difficult situation and your friends ask "how do you stay so calm and composed when everyone’s losing it?"  You don’t really know the answer to that question, but you make something up and tell yourself you’re doing really well.

Then someone cuts into your lane on the drive home and you almost lose it. His action was a two out of ten, but your reaction was an eight.  Or someone sends you a slightly critical email and you brood around the house dumping on the people you love and then can’t sleep for two nights because you’re so angry/upset/emotional about it. His slight was a three out of ten.  You reacted with an eleven.  

Sometimes the things we think don’t bother us really bother us.  The emotions we never process don’t disappear, they just go underground and decide to bubble up in the most incovenient and inappropriate ways.  

A mentor told me a few years ago that he’s convinced that one of the silent killers in ministry for church leaders is what he calls "ungrieved losses".  I think he might be on to something.

The Jews have an elaborate mourning ritual when someone dies. Consider how Job’s friends responded to the tragedy that Job experienced.  When was the last time you said nothing for seven days, tore your clothes and sat in silence when something catastrophic happened?  Today, many of us process grief while talking on the phone with iTunes playing in the background while we’re trying to finish making breakfast so we can get the kids off to school.

My mentor friend’s theory is this: people in ministry suffer loss every day. Heck, life brings loss every day. Every time the grocery bill runs too high and the bank balance gets tight, it’s a loss.  Every time someone leaves your ministry, it’s a loss.  Every time someone steps back from your team, it’s a loss.  Every time you give something only to find ungratitude, it’s a loss.  Every time someone tells you’re great but you should really see the other guy who’s awesome, it’s a loss.  Then add in death, illness and strained or lost relationships and, well, you get the picture. 

And my friend’s theory is that so many people up and quit ministry or lose their effectiveness in life not because any one incident made them snap or quit – but rather because the loss that provoked their exit is tied to dozens or hundreds of ungrieved losses along the way.  They might not even understand why they’re stepping back, shutting down or resigning.  All they know is they just can’t take it anymore. 

One of the practices I’ve adopted over the last few years, as strange as it still seems to me, is to try to grieve my losses as they happen.  I try to take time daily and weekly to review what’s bothering me and simply pray about it. Sometimes I talk to others about it.  I try to let myself stop and feel what I’ve experienced.  And when I feel it, something surprising happens – the negative feeling pretty much disappears.  If I do it promptly when a loss occurs, I can even respond to a four out of ten email or remark with a two out of ten reply – not a twelve.  I can actually offer grace.

How about you?  Do you find life full of losses?  How do you grieve them?  What have you found helpful?

Most of us start out in ministry with a burst of enthusiasm.  And enthusiasm can get you far.   In fact, it’s a great start in ministry.  But enthusiasm won’t get you to the finish line.

I’m haunted by the widely quoted statistic that over 15,000 pastors leave ministry each year.  (Whether that stat is accurate or not, the back door of church leadership is large). The calling that got us started doesn’t seem to lead enough of us to the finish line. And this is true not only of pastors, but of church staff and key volunteers. There is a long line of burn out in the church.

Today I’m starting a blog series about that.  How do you stay fresh in the long run?  How do you ensure that the longer your journey gets, the deeper  and more alive it gets?  How do you make sure you love God and love people more passionately 15 years into your journey than you did 15 months into it, especially after some of those people have burned you?

I think this is the sleeper issue in church ministry.  Every time I talk with church leaders from all kind of backgrounds at Connexus and on the road, I find an instant gravitation toward the subject.  I spent a day last month with 25 church staff and we talked about strategy, team alignment and change.  It was a great day.  But when we turned to this subject, interest skyrocketed.  We could have spent all day on it.  I got a chance to speak to more church pastors the next week;  same deal.   Almost of all us struggle with how to stay fresh, alive and hopeful in our roles in ministry – and for that matter, even in our faith.

I’ve experienced ups and downs in ministry I didn’t think were possible.  Earlier this year, I spent some time reflecting on that journey and I outlined seven practices or habits I’ve discovered have helped me keep my heart in ministry when I thought my heart might not end up being invested in anything.

I’m hoping this series can be a great gateway to share practices that can help all of us make it to the finish line in our callings and walk with Christ.  Ministry is a marathon, not a sprint. Monday, we’ll start in with the first habit.

In what ways do you struggle with keeping your heart engaged in ministry?  What have been some ups and downs for you?