How Do You Kill The Cynicism Inside You?

March 18, 2013 in Leadership,Life,Mission,Spiritual Growth,Strategy with 8 Comments

Can Curiosity Kill Cynicism

Is any part of you growing cynical?

I think you know what I mean.

I have to:

Fight the ‘been there” “done that” and “I can explain that in ten seconds if you let me” tendency that comes with having lived a while.

Battle the “I don’t think I’m going to trust anyone again” impulse after feeling burned.

Work at staying hopeful when I see some people make the same mistake over and over again.

Can you relate?

Cynicism is simply the general distrust of others or a lack of hope in people or their desires. At it’s worst, it becomes jaded negativity, skepticism, contempt or scorn.

The number of cynics around me amazes me and discourages me. Cynics never change the world. Instead, they tell you how they know why the world can’t change.

And yet most people as they live a little find themselves fighting cynicism.

So how do you battle it?

I wonder if there is a link between cynicism and curiosity.

Ever notice:

Cynical people are rarely curious (they already know the answer, and it’s not good by the way).

Curious people are almost never cynical.

Some of my favourite people are the relentlessly curious.

The ones who:

Never stop learning

Ask great questions

Are interested in others and in new experiences

Don’t settle for standard answers

Push the boundaries

Smile when no one else does

Believe when most people don’t

Widen their universe when everyone else is narrowing theirs

The curious do these things.

I’ve decided (maybe because another birthday is coming up) that I want to become more curious, not less curious (which seems to be the normal pattern) as I get older.

I just might help battle that nascent cynicism that always threatens to buy more real estate.

So how do you become more curious?

I’d love to figure this out. But here are some ideas to get you and I started:

Schedule thinking time. Business is the enemy of wonder, among other things. You can’t wonder when you’re in a hurry.

Click. When I read my twitter or Facebook feed, I find if I click on the links and notes in other people’s lives, I grow more curious. Particularly if they are not like me.

Ask more questions. Great leaders ask questions even more than they give answers. And people who ask questions are just more fun to be around, aren’t they?

Ask open ended questions. This Fast Company article on asking open ended question is brilliant (and challenging).

Give fewer answers. I have to check the tendency inside me to want certainty on everything. Giving fewer answers in every day conversation can help.

Say I don’t know. Because often it’s way more true than we admit anyway. And saying “I don’t know” can lead us to a better answer than we would have come up with on our own.

Say Yes. The demands of my life mean that ‘no’ has become a default answer (or more accurately, “I’d love to, but I’m afraid I can’t”). While I’m a firm believer in saying no, everyone once in a while, say yes. Go to the party. Accept the invite. While chronically saying yes can lead to a lack of purpose and a lack of focus in life, saying it every once in a while to new and interesting things can be good.

Wonder. Kids wonder. Adults stop wondering. Reverse the trend.

Stop taking things for granted. Gratitude can make you more open–to everything.

Ask why. Challenge assumptions!

Ask why not? Why not, after all?

Try to find connections between random things. I’m not scientific enough to know why this is important, but there is a link between many things. Somehow it’s all connected.

Read outside of your area. You can do this in a big way (buy a book on astronomy, for example), or casually. I use content-aggregating apps like Flipboard and Zite to help me read things I would never otherwise read.

Lose your fear. What’s the worst that could happen? Right, you could die. Which you’re not supposed to fear that much anyway.

Dream. You used to. Why stop now?

Get around some kids. They still believe. And might inspire you to do the same.

What do you think? Can curiosity help stop cynicism?

What are some ways you have learned to be more curious?

About Carey Nieuwhof: Carey Nieuwhof is lead pastor of Connexus Community Church and author of the best selling books, Leading Change Without Losing It and Parenting Beyond Your Capacity. Carey speaks to North American and global church leaders about change, leadership, and parenting.

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  • Angel

    Hey Carey–I tried to post earlier and think I lost it–sorry if this is a repeat. I LOVED this article–thank you for posting it. I wish I could say I was going to pass this on to others, but I am soooo guilty of being cynical that I think it was written just for me.
    I know for me, expectations play a lot into cynicism–when I don’t get the outcome I expect, I get jaded. I think what I love about the concept of curiosity being the cure, is that is suggests a humbleness. Kids don’t care what you think of them when they ask crazy questions. My favorite thing to do is to sit in on a small group of young elementary kids (1st grade is always a fun one) and listen to them–you are right–they do still believe–unless we squelch their ideas with hard core reality.
    Maybe I need to start watching some episodes of “Curious George”

  • Haupi Tombing

    Great post, Carey. “Been there, Done that” as you said, is truly an innovation and creative thinking killer. Very glad Thomas Edison didn’t say “Been there, done that!”

  • anthony ward

    Great insight. Having not been raised in church, I have lots of questions about everything. It’s amazing how many people assume the answers without having ever asked themselves.

  • Mary Hewlett

    FANTASTIC post Carey !!
    Last year, I too found myself growing weary of “the lack of hope in people…”, and I was also becoming assimilated into that thought process as well.
    Then, having an epiphany that clearly said to me “time to give back”, I found myself on a plane heading for Nepal, to work in an orphanage for a month. Now if that doesn’t incorporate EVERYTHING you just mentioned…curiosity, innocence, trust, positivity and ‘HOPE’, which is all these children have. There is absolutely not one speck of skepticism, contempt or scorn. When you see innocence, wonderment and pure joy through a child’s eyes…a child who has absolutely NOTHING, it tends to make u shed any trace of ‘negativity’ on your life’s path.
    There are times in life your spirit is just soooo awake, and this ‘awakening’ makes you realize just how sweeeeeet life really is. That journey was one of these times.
    As Ghandi once said “the best way to find yourself, is to lose yourself in the service to others”. :)

  • cnieuwhof

    Some great insights in these comments. Thank you! I love the angle on an unchurched person’s response to church people’s fascination with answers. I think answers close down conversations, and I’ve been guilty of that. Funny how the kids theme is resonating. Awesome! And Angel sorry about the comment deletion. Not sure what happened.

  • http://www.facebook.com/lairdgirl Elisa Laird

    I love this. One question popped into my head: What’s the difference between being cynical and being cautious and how do you distinguish between the two?

  • http://leadright.wordpress.com/ Brent Dumler

    Wonderful info! The over-all message I noticed is simply having a teachable spirit. And if we take that and direct our proximity toward individuals who just ooze positivity. Because over time we will learn from them what keeps them so positive.

  • http://twitter.com/cnieuwhof Carey Nieuwhof

    You are so right Brent. Positive people are huge. I need as many as I can get in my life. And I have a good friend who will intentionally distance himself from negative people. He’s actually one of the most positive people I know. Interesting.