One of the biggest problems in the church (and many other organizations) is our drive to obtain consensus before acting.

Consensus kills courage.

Very few good, innovative ideas gain consensus before a leader acts.

In fact, most great new ideas worth anything are inherently divisive.

Think about how different history would be if great leaders needed consensus from the people they led:

Moses would have left the Israelites in slavery

Jesus would have listened to the disciples and talked himself out of the cross

Peter would never have given up his kosher diet

The apostle Paul would have gone back to Phariseeism

Martin Luther would have waited for his bishop to approve

Martin Luther King would have delayed until legislators were sympathetic

Any time you’re seeking to bring about radical change, most people will think it’s a terrible idea.

And sometimes, they’re right.

But once in a while, they’re not. You should live for the ‘once in a while’ idea. They are the kind of ideas that change everything.

When it comes to courageous change, here are four things that are true:

Committees kill vision

Individuals are almost always more courageous than teams

The more people you seek to please up front, the less inspiring your idea will become

Leaders don’t always walk alone, but sometimes they have to start alone.

If you’ve got a really great idea, refuse to allow the ubiquitous love of consensus to kill your dream.

Here are some ideas to get you started if you’re handling a divisive, innovative idea:

Don’t ask the team for agreement, just get permission

Listen to people, but follow your gut

If you’re wrong, take full responsibility

When it emerges that you were right, be humble and invite others on the journey

I realize these ideas are controversial. I realize acting on them might get you fired.

But would you rather look back in 30 years with regret at how many great ideas were anesthetized by a visionless committee or group?

or

Would you rather look back and be satisfied that you did everything in your power to bring about change, even if it got you in trouble?

Of course, the third option might be that you successfully ushered in the change that changed everything. But I’d even settle for trying, failing and getting in trouble.

This is not an excuse to be a jerk, but is permission to be courageous.

And if you are looking for courage, few things will kill it faster than a drive for consensus.

The best idea only looks like the best idea after it wins.

So today, don’t look for consensus. Instead, be courageous.

What are your frustrations about consensus?

(P.S. If you want to read more about leading change, I wrote all about leading change without losing it in my new book, and also in this blog series about change that starts here.)

How’s your marriage?

Really?

I’ve been fortunate to be married to my wife Toni for over 22 years.  And we’re experiencing more joy and satisfaction in our marriage than we’ve ever had.

But we almost didn’t make it.

There’s a lot of pressure on marriages and families today. We’ve felt it. Intensely.

Life and leadership put a lot of strain on a marriage. Add kids and jobs into the mix and the pressure sometimes can get ultra intense.

I wish I could say I have an ideal marriage, but I can’t.

I wish I could say we never fight, but I can’t.

I wish I could say I’ve led my family perfectly, but that wouldn’t be true.

Recently at Connexus Church, where I serve, my wife Toni joined me and together we shared the message.  Although we’d talked about sharing the message on different subjects over the years, this was the first time we’d ever done it.

As part of a series on love, we talked as openly and transparently as we could about the very real struggles we faced. About seasons in which she didn’t think our marriage was going to make it, and about seasons were I wasn’t sure how we were going to get through.  You can watch the message above (or click here to see the series).

Like many couples, we started out strong, but the busy-ness of life, the pressure of ministry and our own baggage and issues interfered to the point where we both felt our marriage was broken.

We weren’t sure how to fix it, or whether it was reparable, but we both refused to believe God had given up on us or our family. So we pushed through.

I hope our story will encourage you like it encouraged many in our congregation.

I know

How tough leadership can be

How exhausting (and exhilarating) ministry is

How guys don’t like to do the things we tell other people to do

How easy it is to quit

But both Toni and I have come to a place where we are so thankful we didn’t quit.

Although we went through seasons where our emotions were painful and made us want to escape, our emotions eventually caught up to our obedience.

If you have time, you can listen to the full message above (Toni joins me at the 9 minute mark…so you can skip to the good part.)

But for your reference, here are the seven things we talk about in the message that helped us make it through.

While we’re hesitant to say we’ve got it figured out, we want to share them in the hopes they might help you like they helped us:

1. We had dates nights. We saw evenings with each other as investments, not expenses. Although we sometimes felt guilty for time away from the kids, we knew that one of the best gifts you can give your kids is a healthy marriage.

When it got really tough, I began to resent date nights because they would turn into ‘date arguments’, but I’m so glad we pushed through that. Prioritize your spouse. No matter what.

2. We prayed for our marriage. Again, I wish I was the hero. But I wasn’t. Even as a pastor, something inside me resisted praying out loud with my wife. We did manage to pray together, and we both believe with all our hearts that it is Christ who has kept our marriage together. A cord of three strands is indeed not quickly broken (Ecclesiastes 4:12)

3. We sought Christian counseling. You can see a pattern developing here, but it was easier for Toni to seek help than for me to do so. I’m sure it was pride. But good, Christian counselling, among other things, helped us to stop the cycle of blame and replace it with responsibility.

4.  When we hit impasses, we went to a third party. Having a handful of people (and a small group) you love and trust is a God-send, literally. We are grateful for our closest friends who prayed for us and helped us.

5. We took divorce off the table. This should probably be in 82 point font and underlined. Out of obedience, we refused to quit. I believe God wanted us to press through, so I did. And I kept thinking about the story I wanted God to write for my kids, family and ministry. Divorce was off the table.

6. We worked to build an authentic friendship. Sure, we were great friends when we got married, but many people go through a period for a decade or so where you so focus on the kids you almost have to reintroduce yourself when that season ends.  Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you’re friends. We’ve become great friends (again) and are really excited about the times ahead, now that our kids are getting older (21 and married, 17 and in high school).

7.  We put our obedience ahead of our emotions. Sometimes you have to do the right thing, even if you don’t feel like it. And eventually, our emotions caught up with our obedience. All the hard work and our trust in Christ paid off, and we are in a season where I think we’re reaping the harvest from the good seed we sowed in a tough season. We’re both incredibly thankful.

Toni and I share this in the hopes it encourages you.

While our marriage hasn’t been easy, it’s been so worth it.

We’re at a place where we had always hoped to be, but didn’t know how to get to.  And our emotions have caught up with our obedience.

What’s helped you? What are you learning? What remains as your biggest struggle?

 

You probably think only the way to get off the emotional roller coaster of ministry is to quit.

It’s not.

In fact, I don’t recommend it.

You don’t have to abandon your calling, even though we live in an age where many do. It’s so tragic, because there is a way to survive, and even thrive.

Believe it or not, there is a way to stay in ministry and not engage all of the emotional twists and turns that leave so many leaders wrung out.

In my last post (What Everybody Ought to Know About Emotions and Ministry), I outlined the reasons why ministry is so emotional for so many.

Knowing the reason why ministry is emotional is half the battle, but here’s the other half is about practices you follow to stay healthy.

So  what are those practices? What should you do to stay emotionally balanced and healthy?

Here are six that helped me:

1. Understand the perfect storm of work/faith/community. Church world is the only place I know of where what you believe is what you do and the people you serve are also your friends. You need to understand this. I wrote about how unusual and important this is in my last post on it so I won’t go into more detail here.

But seriously, if you keep this in mind it will save you a thousand times over. Here’s why: understanding why something is emotionally confusing is the first step toward untangling the confusion. When you turn on the lights, you don’t have to stumble over the same furniture in the room again and again, like you did when it was dark. So take time to understand how confusing ministry is and why.

2.  Find friends who aren’t in your church or organization. Be friends with the people you live with and serve. But find some friends you can talk to about anything.

You don’t need many – even two or three is plenty, but they can be invaluable.

If you only have friends ‘inside’ the church, there’s always a dual relationship. You either don’t disclose enough because you worry about being fired or inappropriate, or you over-disclose and you put a strain on the friendship because you are also that person’s leader.

A spouse or unchurched friend isn’t the right person for talking through every problem with either. Your spouse wasn’t designed to bear the full weight of your frustrations every time you’re frustrated.  And your unchurched friends probably aren’t the right people to confide all your frustrations in either. Because this is the church you’d like to invite them to.

So develop some friendships in which you can talk honestly. It’s healthy.  An easy choice is to find a peer (pastor or key volunteer) in another church or community.

3.  Don’t base tomorrow’s decisions on today’s emotions. This one is so simple but so often missed. Don’t make decisions when you’re angry. Just don’t. Go to bed. Pray about it. Call a friend. Wake up in the morning and then make the decision. Or wait a week.

Don’t make the decision Until. You. Calm. Down.

You’ll thank yourself later.

4.  Seek a Christian counselor. I’ve gone to a counselor numerous times over the last 12 years. I’m pretty sure it’s why I’m still in ministry and why I’ve got a solid marriage today. My counselors have helped me see things I’m blind to, challenged me on issues I’m sure God wanted me to deal with and helped me realize that personal change can bring leadership progress.

Don’t think of it as an expense. Think of it as an investment. Your spouse, kids, church and colleagues will be grateful you sought help.

5. Develop a devotional life that has little to do with work. One of the common casualties of serving in the church is your devotional life. You get too busy to read your bible. Or you ‘cheat’ and make your sermon or lesson prep your devotional time as well.

I use the One Year Bible to make sure I read through all of God’s word, not just the parts I’m teaching on. And I try to pray about the things I would pray about if I wasn’t a pastor.

6. Develop a hobby or interest outside of work. Or you might say, get a life. I struggle with this (because I love what I do), but if you have a hobby like photography, hiking, painting, woodworking, golf, skiing, cycling – something to get your mind and heart into fresh space, you will be richer for it. I cycle. I also write. And I love to travel. They’re all good for my soul.

These six practices have helped me become more emotionally balanced.

What’s helped you? What struggles remain?