Appropriately Transparent

People identify more with your failures and mistakes than your successes.

As a leader, it’s important to be transparent.  To let people see that you don’t have it all figured out, that you make mistakes and than you struggle with many of the same things they do.  I love it when a leader talks about their failures, struggles, insecurities or fears because it helps me feel like there’s hope for me.  I identify with them, and it helps me remember God hasn’t given up on me.

But how do you gauge the level of transparency you have with people?

We’ve also seen people disclose too much…bleed all over a stage or share things that aren’t close to ready for public consumption.  You don’t need to be a preacher or public speaker to see this – just read some status updates or visit a few blogs (‘my marriage is falling apart” or “i’m a terrible employee” are not helpful status updates.)  You know what I mean. When you see this kind of inappropriate disclosure, it leaves you feeling awkward and embarrassed for everyone.

Where’s the line?

I have a few things that have helped me navigate what to say and when to say it:

1. Someone needs to know everything. But that’s a very small circle.  It might be your spouse, your best friend, an accountability partner, or even a counselor.  That’s the circle where you process everything – especially the things you’re working through and you can’t figure it out.  And naturally, your prayer life should be this honest, this open and this raw.

2. A close circle knows most things. Probably somewhere between 3-5 people should have a good read on just about everything in your life.  You can call them or get together to talk about the ups and downs of life, love, relationships and uncertainties.  These are people you process things with in real time, where there’s no clear answer but just friends to help you through the journey.

3. Everyone else hears what’s helpful to them. This is literally everyone else (everyone from family to friends, neighbours, coworkers and perfect strangers.)  In the first two circles, you move from ‘friend in need of help” to ‘friend who can help others.”  This is the circle in which we are most tempted to pretend we have it all together, to admit few flaws.  But this is also where being appropriately transparent can be so life giving.

What do I mean by ‘appropriately transparent?”  A few things:

Share what you’ve worked through or are working through. My first two circles are the people I process life with.  They hear all the uncertainties and the unresolved issues.  Once I’ve worked through issues or are well into them, it’s healthier to share them with others, but not before them.  When I’m in the middle of something, I’m best off processing it within my close circle.

Make sure it’s helpful. The goal of sharing parts of your story with everyone else is that it helps them. It creates points of identification with your listener (they see you are like them) and they can draw courage, inspiration, relief or even practical help from it.

Some things are better left unsaid. If no one is really going to be better off for you saying what you want to say, why say it?  ”Unburdening” yourself publicly is, well, selfish if it doesn’t help others.

These are some things that are helping me navigate the tension of being transparent, but being appropriately transparent.  Do you agree?  What’s helped you handle this issue?