Disappointing the Right People
You don’t like disappointing people. Who does?
But what I’m learning is that disappointing people is inevitable. You just need to choose who to disappoint.
Here’s the problem. All of us have more opportunities than time. Whether you are an at-home parent, retired, working full time or running a large organization – opportunity just seems to exceed time available.
It became very personal for me this week. I’ve spent the last few days at BigStuf Camp in Panama City Beach Florida. It’s an incredible camp. I love it! I know some people down here – in fact some people I love are down here. I could hang out at the sessions, meet some great new leaders and catch up with people I know well.
But I didn’t do that. I turtled in my condo. I realized when I got down here that I was a very tired – more tired than I realized. I had some deadlines coming up and realized I could meet them now or work like crazy when I got home. So I caught up on sleep. And I caught up on work.
I’ve also realized on my journey to becoming an introvert (I used to be an extrovert) that time all by myself refuels my soul. I caught lunch with a great friend and said hi to some others, but last night I just stayed in the room, caught up on a bit of work, did nothing and refueled my soul. I had the best prayer time I had had in months.
I decided to disappoint a few people here (and disappoint myself – because I was really looking forward to advancing some friendships), rather than disappoint the people I’ll by flying home to tonight. Waiting for me on the other end are my wife, my sons, our team at Connexus, some friends at home I’ll be seeing over the weekend and my ‘core group’. I decided to come back to them with my best energy.
And here’s why it’s so tough: it’s easy to think that the people at home will forgive you. They might actually. But your relationship with your core group is going to be what determines the quality of your life and leadership. These are the people who will be at all your milestone events (weddings, birthdays, celebrations, even your funeral!). The guy you just never caught that coffee with? He won’t.
Here’s the general rule: you will be tempted to say yes to the people you know the least and ignore the people you love the most. Don’t. When pressed for time, disappoint the people you know least well. It will improve your family life, your leadership and ultimately fill and fuel your soul.
Do you agree? What’s your take on this? Why is it easy to give our best time to strangers and our leftovers to the people we love?
Such a tension I struggle with. I deal with this with regards to my family all the time. Packing way too much in my schedule leads to me spending less time with my family and more tension at home. And also not building into my wife and children. Usually this is for the sake of not letting down friends or acquaintances or building up my professional network. You’re right Carey, in the end it is my family who I love the most, so why is this so hard? How do we weigh which extra commitments are important and which ones we can live without? Are we ever called to disappoint our loved ones for the sake of something bigger? thoughts?
I so much identify with this. As an Introvert, I’ve had many missed opportunities at conferences because I chose not to connect. But, I love the line: “you will be tempted to say yes to the people you know the least and ignore the people you love the most” At home, I often need to be extroverted. I’m thankful for a wife that understands my need to unwind.
Appreciate your comments and the leadership both of you give day in and day out.
I think een asking the question helps move me to an answer. Ron, I’m realizing the introvert thing is significant. And Andy, what’s awesome is that you are catching this while the kids are still young. That’s encouraging.
This was a fantastic post thank you so much for sharing! Its so easy to get priorities out of whack! I think we fall into the trap of what Worldly success looks like! But none of that matters! We all want to be successful and feel valued! But I agree with you 100 % TO shed a little bit of a different perspective … You mentioned that you have your wife, kiddos , and church family waiting for you at home….. this made me question how as I am a wife making my husband feel valued, successful, and cherished at home! Again thanks for investing in the next generation by sharing your life experience!
Stephanie Porter
Stephanie…I think we can all track with you on that. As to ‘making your husband feel valued’ – i agree. Ron Edmondson wrote some great posts on what a husband wants and what a wife wants. I agree with his insights….particularly that men crave respect and order in the home.
Ironically, I made a tough decision last week because of exactly this dilemma. Our men’s bible group this week dealt with this issue in depth. And in the end, one has to ask oneself if what we are doing is for the glory of “me”, or for the glory of Christ. As was better stated, “are we spending time doing things to glorify ourselves in the eyes of others, or are we doing things that to glorify Christ in others?”
At the risk of implicating myself as very selfish, I have to admit that the motive for much of my endeavors has been to gain acceptance and validation from others. And I’ve sacrificed time and energy, and love, and grace dedicated to my family for this purpose.
If my pastor can prioritize home over visitor’s time, then so can I.
Steve…for sure. I think we all have an inner circle…family, close friends, colleagues and even church friends who rely on us daily. What I have to fight is the temptation to over-invest in people I don’t know that well at the expense of those I do.
Well said, as a new mom, my time is so limited and my ability to help others is diminished substantially. Family first, friends second, acquaintances third. Thank-you for your insight, it helped a lot today.
This is a great topic and I find it can extend outside of people and relationships to things, events, programs, etc as well. Something I find helpful is figuring out what things am I putting on my “To Not Do” list. What are the good things that I have to say no to, so I have more free time to say yes to the great things. Those great things are the things that God has specifically called and equipped you to do. There is a huge temptation to step into ministries, relationships, and events that are broken because we feel the need to fix them. I find by saying no to things, creates a growing pain, and someone who is actually passionate and gifted will eventually step into that role. This will happen more as you create a culture with those around you to become investors instead of consumers. Instead of them looking to you or someone else to lead, they look at themselves and say, is God calling me to lead in this area?
Well said Chad. Great points!