I am increasingly convinced that keeping your heart strong spiritually and emotionally is a key to lasting and thriving in leadership.   We all get into this because we feel called, but a lot of leaders (in the marketplace and in ministry) don’t make it long term because what was happening on the inside sabotaged what was happening on the outside.

Here are four paths I’ve observed that leaders take.  The leaders I’m talking about all start well.  They’ve got skills, gifting and a heart for what they do.  But the end point is very different:

• Quitting.  We end up on this path when the pressures of leadership, time management and spiritual development become so confused and overwhelming that we don’t know how to cope.  So we quit.  Unable to handle the demands of what we’re doing, we think there’s no option but to go do something less taxing, less demanding, less difficult, and ultimately, less fulfilling.
• Failing.  Sometimes I wonder if the friends who go through a moral failure in leadership are those who ignored the warning signs of emotional, spiritual and even physical burnout long enough to find another way out beside quitting:  they flamed out by having an affair, taking money that didn’t belong to them or otherwise compromising their integrity.  I had one pastor tell me that having an affair was easier than quitting – it took less courage.  Another has shared his thoughts so powerfully here (search ‘pastors and affairs’ on his blog).
• Staying.  This path is perhaps the most tedious of all.  Facing the same pressures all leaders face, leaders who simply stay in leadership have the perseverance and integrity not to quit or fail morally, but their hearts still take a beating.  They’re the ones who see how tough it really is and disengage…they cruise through the last ten or twenty years of leadership on autopilot…taking the easy path.  Their leadership outlasted their vision, their trust and their heart, and while still in charge, they stopped making an impact long ago.
• Thriving.  This is a rare breed.  This group of leaders faces the same pressures, temptations, and desire to disengage or seek an easier path as everyone else in leadership, but they are determined not only not to quit, but to keep their hearts fully engaged.  They refuse to settle, and do the hard work of building and rebuilding their relationship with God, staying in relationship long term, forgiving enemies and deciding to trust and hope even after their trust has been broken.  They see how hard life can be but decide to engage it fully alive anyway.

I can say at this point in leadership I think I understand why leaders quit, fail and even just stay.  For moments, most have seemed appealing for different reasons.  I used to think leaders thrived over the long haul because they didn’t have the same struggles or temptations other people do. I no longer believe that…I believe they thrive because they refuse to give into quitting, failure and staying.  Instead, they are committed to rebuilding trust, relationship and hope again and again.   Leaders who thrive in the long run experience life in all of its disappointment but refuse to disengage…instead they re-engage their hearts, minds and spirit as often as necessary.

What have you learned about these four paths?  What has helped you stay fresh and alive in leadership over the years?

Apologies are difficult.  Those of us who have been given even a tiny bit of authority are often reluctant to apologize to those we work with. Isn’t apologizing a sign of weakness?  Won’t people see through you?  Aren’t leaders supposed to have all the answers, to always be right?   Well no, but we feel that pressure anyway.

The problem is that those of us who are in charge have an advantage: we (usually correctly) suspect the person under our authority will be hesitant to correct us, challenge us or confront us.  We could fire them, hold it against them and, well, we’re the boss and they’re not.

Don’t be that way.  Just don’t.  All of us have worked for someone at some point who stole our ideas, took the credit, made poor calls and refused to accept the responsibility, and who – even when it was clearly due – would never apologize.  I don’t want to be that guy.  And I don’t want to work for that guy.  Nor does anyone.

Case in point:  today at our weekly staff meeting I apologized to someone who reports to me.  At Connexus we produce ‘title packages’ for our series.  The title package for the current series arrived a bit later than we’re used to, and quick final view left me unsatisfied.  At the time, I said I thought the video package lacked punch…it didn’t make the point we were hoping to make. I loved the basic design and concept…just wasn’t sure it told the story we wanted it to tell.  Our Service Progamming Director,  Justin, who is a year into his job, recently out of college and who designed the package, liked it the way it was.  I trusted my judgment on this one, not his.  But we didn’t have time to remake it and we ran it as is.

Turns out…I was dead wrong.  He was right on in his judgment.

We ran it ‘as is’ and I’m so glad we did.  In almost three years of weekend services, it is the only time I’ve ever heard people respond to a title package.  They loved it.  They laughed out loud, started conversations with friends next to them and buzzed about it after the service. It just worked.  (Check it out for yourself here.)  He called it.  I missed it. And I was wrong.

As a leader, I had a choice.  I could have pretended it was my idea all along, (nah, that’s not me).  But I could have ignored it…pretended it didn’t happen.  Or pulled him aside private and apologized.  But since I had said I didn’t like it when others were present, I felt I needed to apologize when those same people (and in this case, more) were present.  So I did…I told our staff how off my judgment was and what a great call he made on it.  I apologized for getting in the way of a great decision.  It’s pretty kindergarten if you think about it, but it actually doesn’t happen enough in leadership.

It should though.  The more freely we apologize as leaders when we’re wrong, the more we:

• Give permission to release the best ideas in the organization (they usually aren’t the bosses’ anyway)
• Create a culture where people can apologize and forgive freely
• Foster trust
• Prevent the need for the people under us to “vent” to others
• Remind ourselves that we are hardly the smartest, best or brightest people in our organization

Leaders:  what have you learned about apologizing?   And for all of us, what are some of your worst/best moments when it comes to apologies? 

As leaders, it often feels like we’re asking people to give us something.  Time. Energy. Money. Ideas. And so much more.

Years ago I heard Andy Stanley say that before we ask something from people in terms of giving, we should do something for them.  I’ve never forgotten that, and it’s a shift in perspective that’s starting to invade so much of my thinking.

You can spend your life trying to get something from your kids, from your spouse, from your friends, from your faith, from your family, from your employees, from your volunteers, from your community, from your congregation.  But what are you doing for them?  What if you cared more about wanting something for them than wanting something from them?  See the shift?  I think it’s huge.

A great example came a few weeks ago from friends who are in real estate.  We’re on their mailing list, but instead of the typical “please use us and please give us business”, they instead sent a newsletter full of helpful tips on credit rating management.  They didn’t ask anything of their customer base.  They did something for us.  They added value.  They really want to see their clients and friends manage their money well, so they sent out practical tips.  With no expectation of anything in return.  And of course, that made me appreciate and respect them even more.

There are multiple ways this idea is impacting me:

• As a boss, I’m thinking far less less about what I can get from my co-workers and far more about what I can do for them.  Sometimes it’s material (how about some Starbucks?), but often it’s less tangible than that.  I just want them to be better off for because we worked together.  I’m looking for ways to help them professionally and personally.  I want to do as much to add value to our time together as I can. Whether it’s sharing insights, encouraging them in their personal journey, praying for them or offering some of my time to help them with their responsibilities.  It’s getting to the point where I don’t think they work for me; I think I work for them.

• As a friend, husband and father, life shows me again and again the best thing I can do in a relationship is to bring something to it, not simply try to get something out of it.  In fact, the more I try to get something out of it, the less healthy it becomes.  The more I give, ironically, the richer and more rewarding the relationship becomes.

• When leading any group that “follows” you (whether it’s a congregation, a crowd or even your Twitter/Facebook friends), the more you can do for them, the better it gets.  Share freely…point to the work of others…celebrate other people’s victories…mourn when they mourn.

This may not be news for you, but just being honest, many leaders are inherently selfish.  Maturity involves crawling out of that skin and putting on another one.

None of this should be a surprise because this is actually how God operates.  He didn’t really come to be served, but to serve.  And as much as God asks us for things from us, underneath that is a much deeper desire he has to see something positive happen for us.    It also shouldn’t be a surprise because some of the most draining people in our lives are the people who always want something from us and rarely do anything for us.

What are you learning in this area?  What are some of the best ways you’ve discovered to want something for others and to do something for others?