Heart Attack
So I'm going to share a little piece of my world with you today.
One of the hardest battles I face internally is related to my heart. Like you, I'm most effective when my heart is fully engaged.
But over time, it takes work to keep your heart fully engaged. It usually unfolds this way - starting out, you give your heart (to someone, something, some worthy cause) and at some point, you get stung. People you trusted let you down. People say nasty things. Sure, it wasn't all their fault. But regardless, it didn't turn out as you expected.
You soldier on. You give your heart again, only to discover that people and life truly is a mixture of hope and disappointment. And somewhere in the process our hearts get damaged.
The last three years (leaving a denomination and starting a church) have been incredibly rewarding in ministry but have also included the most challenging passages I've had to navigate.
I found myself in a dialogue with God this fall asking Him to give me 100 passion for ministry. I had a commitment to ministry, even an excitement over it. But I felt my passion wasn't where I longed for it to be. Not sure everyone around me saw it, but I promise you inside I felt it. I was puzzled.
I prayed about it and talked to a few people about it and then one night, I believe God showed me so clearly what the issue was - it was my heart. Having been stung a few times, I think it had quietly shrunk back - not wanting to be hurt again. It may have been 90% there, but 10% was hiding out in the back, cautious, reserved.
Late one night as I was praying with my wife and some friends, it was as though I heard God nudge me to say "I'm in, if you're in." It was a weird message, for sure. Why would God not be "in"? Maybe it was the nudge I need to get going. Maybe it's a reflection of God's character - He usually partners with people and prefers not to do things alone (see 2 Corinthians 5).
But I realized if God was in it, I had nothing to fear. That what I need to do most is fully throw myself into this - every last ounce. Every bit of this constantly-beating heart.
After all, don't you love seeing someone whose heart is in it? Whether it's a hockey player, a chef, or a kid in a Christmas play, the people who bring their whole hearts to whatever they do are not only more interesting to watch, they are better people to follow and do life with. They are fully alive.
So, here's my heart. It's fully engaged. I'm putting it out there every day. I know I'll need to do that again, but I'm doing it now.
How about you? Does your heart get banged around? Does it shrink back after attack? What do you need to throw your heart into: your marriage, your family, your ministry, your job? God is in it, what's keeping you back? What would help you fully engage your heart?
Carey, Great post. It seems my heart gets attacked alot. Mostly with my relationship with my wife. We tend to not get connected and I just want to shut down. I am working on it but need better thoughts to get me in the right direction. For me to be fully engage would mean I put it all out there, leaving nothing back. Satan wants for me to push it down and not let it out. Just started to read your blog so keep up the encouragement and the questions.
We’ve been burned too – in ministry. Took a long time to get off my “front row seat on the hill outside Ninevah”. Just waiting for what I thought God should do…funny, He never did that though. And I love who we both have become through the very hard lessons.
I’ve learned that the more you guard your heart, the harder it becomes, and the more people will hurt you. You have to put yourself out there, and when you do God shows up and His people respond. Sure, some will always take a shot at you – but God protects and gives us the ability to see it from the other side.
I took a page from hubby’s practise and keep a “happy file”, of all the encouraging notes from kids and parents alike, so that when things seem to be spiraling downward – I can go back and celebrate and be reminded of all the God moments that I have had the honour of being a part of.
This is a very great information. I become knowledgeable about the subject. Thank you for posting this kind of information. Are there any other posting the sane as yours?
Carey thank you for your humble honesty. Yes my heart gets banged around and especially since I’ve given my heart and life to Christ. My passion for serving, learning and living in God’s word and the changes that have transpired in me as a result, my family does not understand. They love me and love my joy but do not want to know or believe why. I am alone. So I just keep praying for their salvation and asking God for wisdom and discernment in how to live my life that honours Him, no matter what others say or think. It is hard and it hurts but I trust God. I have been blessed with close Christian friends , my small group and all those who celebrate and worship with me every Sunday. This is where I go in the good times to grow in my faith and especially when I’ve been hurt and start holding back. God works through these wonderful people and in a very short time I am back stronger than ever sharing God’s love. ‘Let it begin with me.’
Great post Carey. I thought I should reply. It seems that my heart gets attacked alot too. Sometimes I don’t know what to do about it. I think the most important thing is that God is always there for us no matter what. I think I need to throw my heart into ministry and family even though its sord of hard. Alot of things are keeping me back, but I know somehow that I can do it. Going to church and being around the people and my friends there and listening to the music helps me fully engage into my heart.
Thanks Twila. The only things worth doing are the things you pour yourself into. It’s so hard to keep doing, but it’s worth it. Be encouraged.