Outsourcing
One of the ways people exercise power when not connected to Christ is to outsource everything you don't want to do to someone who will do it. Some of this makes sense. No one has a monopoly on gifting, and to work in a team that's healthy and diverse is pretty phenomenal.
But the shadow side of outsourcing and delegation is that it can lead to an abdication of responsibility. When I was in high school, I thought math was so awful I remember thinking "when I get older I'm just going to hire someone to do my math." Right. Then I ended up in ministry. Glad I married a smart woman and have smart kids. And that I have a calculator. And that I don't do the finance at Connexus.
That attitude is not healthy. Nothing wrong with not being good at something, but I absolved myself of responsibility.
Been doing lots of prep work for our Orange Family series that starts February 15th. One of the things I'm wondering about: have families outsourced spiritual development? I don't mean in some old-school "let's read six chapters of the Bible while we sit in neatly lined up rows" kind of way, but I mean do we expect someone else to raise our kids spiritually?
What do you think? What's your experience? If you're struggling in this area, can you identify what the issue might be?
I'd love to hear back from you!
Studies show that parents perceive themselves to be the primary spiritual caretakers of their children, but I think they sometimes delegate that responsibility to the church, still believing they are responsible, but the church is actually doing it.
This study was interesting:
http://www.group.com/church09/CM.asp {see Survey Results}
From that study it sounds like parents think Bible knowledge is key for their kids, and parents and churches aren't on the same page in talking about what should happen at home.
It's funny you bring this up. God has been speaking to me the last couple days about this very subject. Not so much in the context of kids probably because it's not my area of ministry. I do however believe that we are at the very least over dependent on the church to give our kids the spiritual values they need. An hour a week simply is not going to make a big enough impact to establish the principles needed to do life the way Jesus did.
On the other hand.. I'm perplexed as to why as a church we don't embrace outside assistance in our various ministries. Especially if God throws it in our lap. Large churches are already bringing in Starbucks to handle their cafes. I'm seriously considering adopting a house band. If these organizations are willing to adhere to the values and vision of our leadership doesn't it make sense. Of course we need to continue to give our own people "significant" things to do (that is key) but those of us in ministry know there is no shortage of those significant opportunity. Doesn't it make sense that God could provide good resources outside our church walls that could make a fantastic difference on the inside?
Good stuff man. Sorry if I'm bringing you off topic.
I do think, unfortunately, that many Christian parents follow the secular pattern of not doing much teaching with their kids(spiritual or otherwise). Parents rely on daycare, school, kids clubs,youth group, etc. to teach everything.
I think some parents are afraid of making a mistake, and think that they should leave it to the 'experts' to properly inform them.
Throughout my childhood, my parents modeled a basic Christian-principled life, loved us by biblical principles, but RARELY talked about spiritual things. We said grace before meals, etc, and we did have a few years of forced 'family devotions' with the DAILY BREAD read out loud, complete with pithy rhyme and poem…didn't go so well.
However, Mom and Dad Mc were very intentional about joining and serving at a church that had good teaching and activities for their 5 kids all the way through to college age. They didn't grow much at that church themselves, but took a hit for the kids, it seems.
Oooo, touchy subject.
From my personal experience though I'd say that in general we outsource anything which requires personal responsibility.
We use our pastor as a replacement for our own spiritual development, our youth pastor for our kid's spiritual development, the missions team as a replacement for our own works of evangelism etc etc.
I know there is a huge group of parents out there that did not get raised by Christian parents. So we get married become Christians and start having kids and have no idea what the heck to do. So we pick up a picture Bible and start reading the stories to them and us for the first time. I had heard some of the stories but most of them I was just as impressed as the kids were. I'm glad there were people at the church that poured some of their knowledge into my kids. I sometimes feel like I should start all over and pick up what I missed in Sunday School. It kinda feels like starting school at grade 6 and wondering what happened before.
Well, I believe in the old adage "It takes a community to raise a child". I am not only NOT afraid to admit I need help, I expect it! Actually, because I'm so new at this Christ following thing I (along with me ex and his wife) decided to enrol my 2 children at Timothy Christian. And only for the 'extra' help in raising them in a Christian environment. Oh yes, there is more I could and should be doing at home but I want them to get every chance they can in learning more about Christ and the ways we should be leading our lives in following Him. It sure isn't that I don't want to but just that I know the more Christians involved in theit upbringing, the better.
I mean, seriously, if the parent isn't willing to or can't, why can't it be our responsibilty? There'd be no need for youth pastors at all if every parent was solely responsible for their own child's spiritual development. I welcome, and like I said, expect any and everyone who wants to impact my child's spirtual development.
Hey all. Love the differing points of view. I really appreciate the variety of perspectives (it's helpful to understand from a senior pastor's point of view…so thanks!)
Can you share what aspect of having the conversation at home you find most difficult?
For the record, I think the church and family need to partner together (we're stronger together). But I would love to know what aspect of caring for your kids spiritually you find the most taxing.
(For me, it was getting spiritual dialogue into the ebb and flow of every day life and not into a little devotional compartment.)
What about you?
Well, I guess this is because I'm new but I find it hard to pray with them and 'teach' them how to pray. Sometimes when I ask them to pray it seems so forced and they feel awkward about it. I hope there is going to be some "how-to's" in the parenting series. I know I have to be an example to them and them seeing me pray is a good start. It bugs me that I'm "shy" sometimes in my prayer life in front of them. Oh man, I can't wait for the parenting series! I need a LOT of help!
)
I did have a recent chat with Jordyn about the depth of what it meant that Jesus died for our sins. She was saying her nighttime prayers when she prayed that Jesus keep forgiving her for her sins. I told her that he died so that we could be forgiven…no matter what. Ya know, it took me a long time to let that fully sink in…I don't have to ask more than once. We're good! Hmmm, I'm gonna tell her this in the morning: When we feel guilty thoughts, they are not from God. The enemy would love nothing more than to make us feel as though we are not forgiven. When we believe his lies we deny the truth of what Christ already accomplished for us long ago. He paid for our sins…all of them.
Carey,
We have an advantage over many parents that we have been teaching our kids from day 1. Parents who get saved after their kids are born have a completely different situation to us and I'm interested to hear what their experience is.
As for making it a whole life thing not just a 'devotional' thing, this is something that we are learning as a church. We are part of a house church plant and we're finding that learning to bring our spiritual lives into every part of our lives not just into the 'church services' that we have is a lot harder than we thought it would be and we are having to relearn not just how we act but how we think and speak in all situations.
That then flows over into our lives as parents, as our children are a part of this whole journey taht we are on.
I do agree with other people who have commented that it requires more than just the parents though. Kids need to see and hear the same things that they are learning from their parents from the other people around them. It needs to be backed-up and reinforced by the whole church!
What a great discussion!
In the 'burbs of Grand Rapids we face two things: 1. Priorities: seems like people don't know how to say no to extracurriculars in order to make time for family faith formation. Especially when kids grow older and sports/activities could mean college scholarships. 2. outsourcing becomes a HUGE concern. Parents know that they don't have time at home and bank all of the faith stuff on the church: weekends, mid-week, etc.
Only few (relative to the amount of families we have) of our folks take us up on all of the "orange" initiatives we offer. And many of the hot-topic seminars we offer are used only in a time of crisis not proactively preparing for what's coming down the road.
Family is messy. I'm not going to argue with that. Parents are struggling to make the most of the mess. If they do attempt family time together, they expect it to be the magical stars aligning moment, when really… that's not going to happen. It's still going to be messy. Messy is ok. Make the most of the mess.
I'm seeking to find a rhythm in the mundane parts of life. The Deuteronomy 6 thing that the virtue packs are based on… But I struggle to make this a priority in my own life – and I preach this stuff! It's GOT to be hard for joe-parent out there.
The task is changing the value set to realize how important this is. A change in value will lead to the change in behavior.
Carey asks, "Can you share what aspect of having the conversation at home you find most difficult?"
To me, the hardest part is getting them to have regular, consistent time in the Word themselves. We're pretty successful at taking advantage of the teachable moments throughout the day, but with 2 boys who are 11 and 14 and all the activities and homework that go along with that (including church activities), it's hard to help them find time teach them to "study" the Bible for themselves.
I think one of the hardest things is getting the conversation started. A question out of the blue can make anyone defensive and uncomfortable, and is generally counter-productive.
In addition to the church programs I think the most important thing parents can do is provide an environment where questions and discussion are allowed and encouraged. Where there's no topic off limits. The challenge here is that parents need to be ready to go to the difficult places with their kids. We need to be able to put our comfort aside so that we can be their when our kids need us, and how they need us.