Ladies…This One’s for You

February 25, 2009 in Leadership with 9 Comments

I have not been a good blogger lately, but this being the season of Lent, I am repenting and reflecting and getting back into it again.  Actually, I do want a closer walk with the wider community as we approach Easter.

Our Easter series is lined up and ready to go (stay tuned for details), but after Easter I want to do a series on relationships.  We're calling it Chicks and Dudes. (We surveyed enough women and men – 3 or 4 maybe – to think we can call a series Chicks and Dudes without getting fired).  In it, I want to talk about the tension between men and women and the way God designed relationships to happen.

So….are you ready?  Over the next few days, both men and women are going to be able to weigh in on their questions and tensions with the opposite sex.  Once I gather your data, I'll go search out the issues in scripture and prepare the series.

Ladies, you lead.  What are YOUR issues with the opposite sex?  What questions do you have?  What communication barriers?  What struggles?  What issues?  What is it about us men that drives you crazy? Conversely, what part of men do you understand? 

Dudes, we get to listen in for a while…we'll turn the blog over to you shortly.  

Can't wait to hear what you have to say….

About Carey Nieuwhof: Carey Nieuwhof is lead pastor of Connexus Community Church and author of the best selling books, Leading Change Without Losing It and Parenting Beyond Your Capacity. Carey speaks to North American and global church leaders about change, leadership, and parenting.

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  • Michelle

    I think mine is a classic.. but nevertheless, it boggles my mind how much effort and energy women can choose to put into analyzing and monitoring the "status" of the relationship every moment of every day based on the mans actions. At the same time, the man seems to never worry much at all about what means what "to the relationship". As much as this is frustrating, as a woman, I'm also a bit jealous of the mental freedom men enjoy….

  • http://www.stlukesoshawa.com Rebekah

    I think the toughest thing is communication. Chicks want to sit around and discuss our feelings forever. Dudes are less willing to go there. So if a girl is going through something tough, she'll call her friends and talk all about it. If a guy is going through something tough, he'll often just clam up. This makes the woman feel left out and helpless.

    My guy-friends assure me that it's not that guys don't want to talk, it's that y'all don't know what you're feeling much of the time. This confuses the heck outta me. How can you NOT know what you're feeling?

    It's like that Harry Potter clip where Hermione says all the things Cho Chang must be feeling about having kissed Harry, and Ron says, "One person couldn't possibley feel all that at once. You'd explode!" :P

    Cheers,
    R.

  • kt

    Well, I have one thing that drives me crazy. That is the lack of initiation and it only seems to be getting worse as women feel more "empowered" these days. My husband is the most wonderful man in the world, he is intelligent, good looking, tenderhearted, and loves God. However, we could sit in a room for hours together looking at tv, computers, whatever and it would not occur to him to talk to me or initiate communication. We could have many relational issues at the moment and it really would not pop in his mind to initiate something with me to solve it until maybe next century (in my super sensitive timing). Women are very hyper in relationships (as the previous comments attest as well) and to women it just seems like men have no initiation. Maybe we are just aware of the interplay so much more or maybe men just don't want to put themselves on the line. Maybe men don't know what to do with women once they get them or maybe they just hope ignoring their wives will get them off their case. I don't know. Proverbs is filled with "better is the man that… (insert something not appealing) than live with a woman (basically that nags)," yet men think that ignoring women make them go away when the opposite is true. I am learning not to nag and take my current concerns about our relationship to God and pray for my husband to initiate in that area and (other than a few tearful confessions of concern about something occasionally), I think our relationship, my husband, and I are all better for it. It is so hard to go at the relational pace of your husband and not you in order for him to actually be leading. You feel like you are going backwards, but I have to bite my lip, pray, and know God's way has to be better. (Even though it is REALLY hard to do.) Still struggling with it … daily.

  • http://profile.typekey.com/connexuscommnity/ Carey Nieuwhof (Connexus Community Church)

    Ladies…thank you! This is really helpful. Thank you for being so honest. I'm going to think about these comments for the series (and in my own life)!

    What about others? What else would you add? What else drives you nuts or has stayed mysterious?

  • Traci

    One of the hardest things for my husband and I to learn (and something we still struggle with from time to time) is that when I have a problem, sometimes I just want him to listen (not fix it)…and when he has a problem, he wants solutions on how to fix it (not just sympathetic listening). :-)

  • Nancy MacLachlan

    One thing that seems to be a theme for alot of men is thinking that the only thing they contribute to the family is their work and so put work first before family and before their spouse. There are so many other things they can contribute and need to, but don't place as much or any value on. Things such as the importance of time and spending time with family creating memories; leadership within the family; protecting time to nuture their spouse; bringing a sense of adventure and playfulness to relationships;
    Work is definately important and necessary, but it is not everything and men need to value the other aspects of their life and place them as high if not higher in priority for their attention and time.
    I also concurr with the other comments made by other bloggers.

  • Sara

    What drives me crazy? You mean other than the inability to put dirty clothes in the clothes basket, right? Or the famous "Non-answer No" when he doesn't really answer one way or the other in the hopes that the request or question will just go away? Or the way what needs to be done isn't as completely obvious as it is to me?

    We've been married eleven years. I've learned that some things just need to be let go of. My desire for flowers and romance are things that sometimes I just ache for. But then I mentally step back and look and see all the ways he says he loves me.

    The tidied kitchen before he leaves for work in the morning. The times he sits in the car with the kids while I shop. The way he makes sure to come in and kiss me goodbye even if I'm not awake before he leaves for work. The time he spends playing with our kids when he could be on the computer or watching tv on his own. These are all part of the bigger picture.

    I understand that he needs me to respect him. I understand that he puts our family's needs above his personal desires. I understand that the man I married is one of the good ones and that I am blessed!

    On a non-marriage related guy/girl note here's a couple more things. I will never understand why guys think the Three Stooges are funny. Or why bathroom humor is so hilarious. I'm happy not knowing, but I don't get it. Seriously, I don't need to know. ;)

    One thing I think that men/guys should never do is use the words, "Is it that time of the month?" Just don't. You (males) will not understand the way hormones wreak havoc with emotions so just don't go there. Ever. And in case you (males) are wondering, no we can not control it. If we could we would.

    If I could have one wish granted it would be to be able to better understand my husband. I would love to truly get it when he says, "I don't know" when I ask how he's feeling. So that I could tell that thoughts were processing when he's quietly thinking things through. I don't understand how men think but I know it's not the same way I do.

    One thing I would love to see is men taking back the role of the leader of their home. The world needs more God fearing, Bible reading, prayer praying men. I won't get started on that. :) Have a great week!

  • http://profile.typekey.com/connexuscommnity/ Carey Nieuwhof (Connexus Community Church)

    Thanks so much for the feedback. I see the guys are well…not saying much. Big surprise? Probably not.

    But they are coming to church, and engaging spiritually in significant ways. That's cool!

    Anything else we might think about in this series?

  • Doris Schuster

    I don't understand how men can't see that their kids need them, love them and want to spend time with them. Here's a note I found just a couple of days ago written by my son when he was in grade 10 "I get along good with my father and my mother but my father is never home because he works so much." Does work have to consume all their time?

    Lack of communication and inability to commit to something (like going somewhere on a specific night or weekend) are also major issues…